Living with Freddie

Source: My Life 25.7.04

Submitted by: Seraphiel

Only one year after Freddie´s death I wished secretly that something miraculous would happen. I remember me, sitting alone in the room and praying to God, if he could talk to Brian (as I considered him to be the most seriously taken member), and ask him to do some concert for Freddie - something to remember, not only for us, but mainly for Freddie. After several months I watched some tv channel and their it was. The Tribute to Freddie Mercury, live at Wembley! Wow! That was clearly a sign for me, that something´s going on. During those years with Fred I also have had similar ideas that I secretly wished to do myself, etc. a musical and play about his personal life. I came up with both versions and I dreamt of producing them when I get older! And now, it seems everything already came up! Robert de Niro stole my idea and some newyorkers too! What a shame! Allright, I do admitt, I should have been little bit faster. Most people seem to share their ideas and it just happens sometimes that the faster becomes usually luckier. Well, next turn is mine:-) And then I had this special friendship with Paul, whom I´ve met in 1993. We became the best friends after revealing to each other that we both love Queen. (he was the collector, I were the lover). We went to see Roger Taylor in that year, he arrived to Prague to collect some golden EMI award. And I met him (not face to face), but almost could grab the edge of his coat, when he was passing through the crowds of fans. Paul was much more patient as he waited over the night in front of his hotel and next morning he asked him for signature and photograph. Then he continued following the poor guy to the airport, where he was allowed by an air hostess to see his passport and then to enter the president´s saloon, where were Roger and his assistants. Paul gave him a bunch of flowers that he bought some 30 minutes before. And that was it. The end of Roger Taylor in our lives! That time I didn´t know yet what a big part in my life maintains Freddie. I didn´t know antyhing yet. What a blisfull state of life it was! Back to whatever followed. When my Mother´s boyfriend died of a heart attack (not that I would want to be malicious or cynical, I just remember saying myself:"Well, honey, now you´re the same man like him. You are pure ghost, who can´t defend himself! And I wish you to re-consider now all what you ever said about Freddie, cos you´re not bigger than him. He was first in heaven and now you can see how great he was!!!!!") I had some sort of satisfaction. It was as if the huge, heavy stone fell down off my heart. I didn´t need to be scared of Lui anymore. I didn´t need to lock up myself during the nights. I was free as a bird! Do you know guys, what an awsome freedom I got? Can you imagine how much I was thankful for a man´s death? Strange, that someone´s death can be a complete disaster for you and another´s a total relief. Blisfull time!!!! So my life went on as ever, just changed slightly. I was still listening to Queen, still studying all kinds of opera and arts.....until the day of moving came again. In that very same year, 1998 - when I finished my school and were moving out, there was this concert of Brian May in Prague. At that time I was quite absent minded as during all those years of a hell with Lui I became more dependant on Freddie and I started to worry about my life. It got very intense and dangerous, I was missing him to such an extent that I could hardly cope with my day to day life. I couldn´t get out of this fantasy world, I lived in memories on "soul". I was living the death. It was like breathing and walking figure whom you could see on the road. And it was me. I stopped grasping the reality as something real, I believed that all what I feel and cannot touch is real - (but it was!!!!!! - for me at that time) Freddie was with me that time the most of all those years, as I think he felt I was down and broke. I started to seriously think about suicide, I dre