Wednesday 24th July 2007
Today I descended from heaven above and paid a visit to that overweight Scottish waste of space who delights in faking diary entries of mine. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he writes any more of that pathetic drivel I will be forced to put my ethereal shoe up his arse.
Fatty told me not to worry as he was far too busy to make up stories about me as he was putting the finishing touches to his next book which is scheduled to be published this coming October. I have to admit that I was a little surprised that fatty was being allowed to write a fourth book as his last effort “The Hoor-Maister’s Handbook had gone down like a Brazilian tourist on the London underground and when I mentioned this to fatty he began to cry like a little girl. But he assured me that this book was going to be different. “It’s called Baminals” said fatty “And it’s basically a collection of drawings of fictional animals with names that are common Scottish slang expressions such as the numpty, the radge, the ding’ul, the dumplin, the clart, the hun and the tim.
When I asked fatty if this was anything more than an attempt to piggy back on the success of the Ricky Gervais “Flanimals” books he looked sheepish and tried to change the subject.
I then asked if his book might make an excellent Christmas gift for a friend or relative and fatty assured me that anyone waking up on Christmas morning to find a copy of “Baminals” (H/B £9.99 from Black and White publishing due in October) in their stocking would almost certainly be so thrilled that they would probably rush out and buy you an outrageously expensive gift in return or might even agree to have sex with you.
Having seen the final draft of “Baminals” (H/B £9.99 from Black and White publishing due in October) with my own eyes I would tend to agree with him and can’t help but think that if enough of my fans went out and bought a copy it would make me record more songs.