Writing a professional review of a Queen album is surprisingly easy, if you follow some simple rules:
- If song is rock...
"Routine."
- If song is experimental...
"They betrayed rock."
- If song is long...
"Bore."
- If song is short...
"Filler."
- If song is serious...
"Cheesy."
- If song is humorous...
"Cannot be taken seriously."
- If sound is raw...
"Not pleasant to listen to."
- If sound is polished...
"Overproduced."
- If writing is simple...
"Pub bands can do better."
- If writing is complex...
"No hooks, not catchy."
- If sung by Freddie...
"Freddie ruined it."
- If not sung by Freddie...
"Freddie's absence ruined it."
- If it's 70s:
"They'll soon be forgotten."
- If it's past 70s:
"They've been on the scene far too long."
- If live...
"Sucking up to the crowd, not optimal performance."
- If studio...
"Lacks the bite of the live version."
- If the song touched millions of fans on six continents...
"Camp."
- If the reviewer couldn't learn to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" in six years...
"This guys have no real talent."