Here's my plan for a typical Scottish celebration of the bard's birthday.
0800: Decorate the Burns tree. This is in fact the christmas tree which I still haven't taken down but by draping a few bits of tartan, a Hibs top and some empty cans of Tennants lager from the branches, I can get another couple of weeks worth of value from the bugger.
0900: A traditional scottish breakfast of sausages (of both the link and Lorne variety), bacon, black pudding, white pudding, fruit pudding, fried eggs, tattie scones, mushrooms, baked beans and toast all smothered in broon sauce and washed down with a 2 litre bottle of Irn-Bru.
0930: The paramedics arrive and attempt to re-start my heart.
1200: Following a triple bypass, the family gathers in the front room to hear my annual recital of 'Tam O' Shanter.
1730: It's usually around the 113th or 114th verse that it dawn on me that my family have all fucked off upstairs to watch last night's episode of Casualty on I-Player and I'm talking to myself.
1800: I begin to adorn myself in the full Scottish highland dress consisting of shirt, kilt, belt, sporran, socks, flashes, brogues, wee knife thing that goes in the sock, bow-tie, waistcoat, jacket and plaid.
1845: Give up and put on a 1978 world cup replica shirt and a "see you Jimmy" hat.
1900: go to a J.D Wetherspoons pub which has pulled out all the stops by laying on haggis, neeps and tatties and a dram of "house" whisky for £2.99.
1930: Find someone with an English accent and frighten them into agreeing that they are solely responsible for 400 years of opression and injustice using a subtle blend of persuasion, menace and blatant disregard of facts.
2030: Turn my nose up at the Burns supper on offer and have a curry instead.
2100: Go looking for that guy with the English accent again.
2145: Find the guy with an English accent hiding in the toilets and subject him to a long and badly researched lecture on the ingenuity of the Scots and how they invented the telephone, the television, radar, the self-adhesive postage stamp, the microwave oven, the car, the areoplane, space travel, the internet, corn flakes and Seasame Street.
2330: Sing a few traditional sectarian Scottish football songs about the Bishop of Rome, The Queen of England, a Dutch king and the troubles of Northern Ireland.
0030: Thrown out of pub.
0100: Return home to indulge in a spot of domestic violence with my wife.