Forums > Personal > Someone tried to shoot me today.

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-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 29 Aug 09, 20:52 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

It's not all that uncommon in certain parts of London, Liverpool and Manchester for nutters to gun down members of the public but drive by shootings are still something of a rarity on the leafy streets of Edinburgh's suburbs. I was taking a stroll along a quiet street in the south side of the city this afternoon when I heard a noise that I've only ever heard in those films where John Wayne is hiding behind a rock while the injuns take pot-shots at him from the hills. This noise was followed by a screech of tyres as my would be assassins made their escape in a small red hatchback car. My finely honed survival instincts took over in a split second, although to the untrained eye it may have looked as though I was sobbing uncontrollably while I shat my pants.
A passer-by called the police and they later found a steel ball-bearing in the gutter which they think had been fired from an air rifle. They also informed me that had it hit me in the head I might have been killed.

Part of me thinks I'm very lucky to be alive but there's also a part of me that wishes I had been shot in the shoulder, leg or some other non-life threatening part of my body so that I could have a cool scar and make up stories about how brave I was and despite all the blood I kept insisting it was just a scratch.

The police seem to think that it was just the actions of some mindless twats but I've drawn up a list of people who I've pissed off and might want to have me killed. At the moment it's a pretty long list, about 29,000 names in fact but I'll most likely blame it on the missus in the end.

fatty


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Posted: 29 Aug 09, 21:38 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Funny thing is that if you kept the whole story as it is, but replaced Edinburgh with "São Paulo" or "Rio de Janeiro", you'd be celebrated as the new Émile Zola or win the Pulitzer Prize for "Best Embedded Reporting". Within a matter of days you'd receive a letter from one of the most prestigious Universities in the country, sponsored by the state just like almost everything else in Brazil, including my job, to lecture on the new trend of "Embedded Sociology". 

They'd take you to have a glance at some slums and you'd go back to the U.K with some frightening stories about a lawless bloody savage land. Of course, it wouldn't take a week before the Independent or the Guardian called you to write about it in a front-page column. 

Some people would frown at you and say that you were making up the facts. You'd stand proudly by what you wrote just to discover, much for your disgrace, that the editor of the journal had been thinking about sending you back to Brazil to do some further reporting. 

Next day you'd probably write an article explaining it had all been a misunderstanding and that your piece was more akin to literary journalism - that words as "rifle", "machine gun", "bazookas" and "grenades" were not to be taken literally: "rifle" or "machine gun" was just a generic metaphor for violence! "Children killed" meant that, because of lack of proper education, the nation's future was being nipped in the bud. The list with the "29.000" people who could have shot you was a keen play on the demographic data to express the thought that each destitute kid was a potential criminal - but you'd talk about free-will and how you didn't actually subscribe to sociological determinism. 

You tell me what would be the next stop in your career.


Yara
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Posted: 29 Aug 09, 23:47 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Christ, I thought this'd be a well crafted parody of "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" or something.  That's an eye opener.

I used to go through my city late at night without any worries but after seeing what happens to transit guards and bus drivers here, I've become a stay-at-home.  Fuck partying.


"Your not funny, your not a good musician, theres a difference between being funny and being an idiot, you obviously being the latter" - Dave R Fuller
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Posted: 30 Aug 09, 00:30 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

fatty:  I'll be in the UK at once or twice between now and the end of the year.  If it means that much to you, I can swing up to Edinburgh and administer some kind of cool scar for you, gratis.  Not that I'd want to inflict any pain or anything. I can catch a performance of WWRY while it's in town.  Oh, wait.  That would be inflicting pain on myself.

On the bright side, at least the police appear to have responded to your complaint this time.  Glad you're OK, and I hope it was a random event not to be repeated.  Holy cow, what's this world coming to?



I saved Spike's life in 'Nam.
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Posted: 30 Aug 09, 07:12 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I have an alibi.

(just saying...you know)

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Posted: 30 Aug 09, 08:32 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Sheesh. Things like that never happen in New York. They fired a ball bearing? Ha. Amateurs.


"The others don't like my interviews. And frankly, I don't care much for theirs." ~ Freddie Mercury



catqueen user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 30 Aug 09, 11:24 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

well- glad you are ok, fatty!



"why pay the visit when the visit is free?"
Freya is quietly judging you. user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 30 Aug 09, 13:36 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Was it Leith Walk?

Oh no, wait. You said south.

«¤~Mrš. BÃD GÛŸ~¤» user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 30 Aug 09, 15:00 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

fatty, what on earth have you done to piss off that many people??



¥~Ït’š iñ thë LåÞ øf thè Gódš~¥
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Posted: 31 Aug 09, 20:20 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Thats a quiet area too.

You want to come to Glasgow.


I never forget a face,

but in your case i'll be glad to

make an exception-Groucho Marx
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Posted: 31 Aug 09, 22:06 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Air rifle, eh?  I used to play with one in my backyard as a kid. ;-)  Seriously, though..  Glad you are alright, fatty.

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Posted: 01 Sep 09, 00:41 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote







-fatty- wrote:



My finely honed survival instincts took over in a split second, although to the untrained eye it may have looked as though I was sobbing uncontrollably while I shat my pants.


Clever.  Now nobody will know that you actually shat your pants!

Glad you're still with us.



"The more generous you are with your music, the more it comes back to you." -- Dan Lampinski



http://www.queenlive.ca
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Posted: 01 Sep 09, 04:12 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

test reply. ignore


inu-liger user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 01 Sep 09, 20:30 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Maybe Britt was behind this pathetic attempt...


bobo the chimp user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 02 Sep 09, 09:04 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Inland Revenue.

Just saying.....


"Your not funny, your not a good musician, theres a difference between being funny and being an idiot, you obviously being the latter" - Dave R Fuller
its_a_hard_life 26994 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 02 Sep 09, 15:18 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Hope your alright now.

The title of this thread made me LOL though.

xD


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Posted: 03 Sep 09, 11:13 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote



inu-liger wrote:

Maybe Britt was behind this pathetic attempt...

my QZ sweepstake has him at 4/7 bookies favourite.here are the other odds

Hilary Clinton 3/1 [mistook Fatty for that SNP bloke Alex Salmond]
Colonal Gaddafi 5/1  [mistook Fatty for Gordon Brown]
Ronnie Corbett 7/1 [mistook Fatty for Roy Chubby Brown]
Jimmy Krankie 10/1 [shot at Fatty for nicking his 'fandabbydozzie' catchphrase]
Gordon Brown 14/1 [mistook Fatty for David Cameron]
Fatty 16/1 [failed suicide attempt/plea for help]
18/1 the kids that kept kicking the football against his gate last year resulting in his letter to the police being published in a Scottish Daily paper
20/1 the police for last years embaressment with the newspaper [see above]
 25/1 bar..











isnt innuendo an italian suppository?

im gonna ride the wild wind!

its_a_hard_life wrote:you nutcase you rule!

joxer replies: but in a nice way :-]

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Posted: 03 Sep 09, 18:16 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I suspect Fatty has a new book out and it's a publicity ploy.

Either that or Barry Bulsara is out on bail.


"With a population of 1.75 million, Northern Ireland should really be a footballing minnow. Instead, they could be better described as the piranhas of the international game" (FIFA.com)
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Posted: 03 Sep 09, 19:46 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote















JoxerTheDeityPirate wrote:











































inu-liger wrote:















Maybe Britt was behind this pathetic attempt...














my QZ sweepstake has him at 4/7 bookies favourite.here are the other odds

Hilary Clinton 3/1 [mistook Fatty for that SNP bloke Alex Salmond]
Colonal Gaddafi 5/1  [mistook Fatty for Gordon Brown]
Ronnie Corbett 7/1 [mistook Fatty for Roy Chubby Brown]
Jimmy Krankie 10/1 [shot at Fatty for nicking his 'fandabbydozzie' catchphrase]
Gordon Brown 14/1 [mistook Fatty for David Cameron]
Fatty 16/1 [failed suicide attempt/plea for help]
18/1 the kids that kept kicking the football against his gate last year resulting in his letter to the police being published in a Scottish Daily paper
20/1 the police for last years embaressment with the newspaper [see above]
 25/1 bar..









Excellent work Oddsmaker Joxer!  As you probably know, I've bet the house, the farm, and my next five paychecks  that it's the cop.  Or the wife.  And a tenner on his publisher, too.








I saved Spike's life in 'Nam.