“DOESN'T ANYONE KNOW WHO I AM?”
~ John Deacon on Himself
“Da*n! I thought I was the only bassist in the world who no one ever gave a sh*t about, until I heard about this guy!”
~ AC/DC bass guitarist Cliff Williams on John Deacon
“AHHH, Who the F*ck are you?”
~ The Who on John Deacon
John Deacon, or "Deacon John" as he was known in China, was the fourth and final member of the popular barber shop quartet known as Queen. At an early age, he took a vow of silence, which gave him a reputation as Queen's "quiet one who stands in the back looking like a cocker spaniel on horse tranquilizers". Surprisingly, he has over 5,000 "fans" on Facebook. This might be explained by the fact that the "fan page" is registered as "John Deacon (From Queen)" and the barber shop quartet's high-reputation might have helped. As a bassist and accomplished mime, Deacon was the one member of the group in possession of anything even slightly resembling sanity, which eventually led to him retiring from the world of music in the mid-1990's due to Freddie Mercury's death. Deacon felt that the lack of a flamboyant singer would make him seem more interesting. A small group of Jainist monks report that he is now living in a mud hut in the Chota Nagpur Plateau in India. Many art historians speculate that Deacon has achieved paranormal powers and has traveled back in time to be the model for the Mona Lisa.
Little is known about John Deacon's childhood. The few fans of Deacon hold that he magically appeared when Sigmund Freud yawned. As a young man, he attended college majoring in the technological sciences and two of the five "Super Sciences" created by Einstein just two decades before. His obsession with all things technical and mechanical was matched only by his affinity for ridiculously tight jeans and his unquenchable lust for tennis, which he claimed gave him mild sexual arousal. "Backhand Deaky" graduated with a degree in technological science, and no friends. John used his newly acquired knowledge and bitter hatred of the human race to build an army of deadly robotic drones modeled vaguely after Little Richard. There was no turning back. Rumour has it that Deacon had a brother - Wilhelm - who can only be seen by those wearing 3D glasses. Wilhelm is now believed to go under the alias of Sebastian Gabriel Chennells, and lives in the confines of a Danish church somewhere near the southern tip of Africa.
1973 saw Deacon poised on the eve of his greatest military victory yet. Having already conquered Leicester, Wales, most of Surrey, and two Shetland islands, his army seemed to be unstoppable as they marched towards London. At the same time, Freddie Mercury, Roger Taylor, and Brian May had just fired their seventh bassist, a then-unknown Sid Vicious, who at the time performed under the name Candy Lovelace. Deacon caught the eye of the fledgeling band when they read about him in the Daily Mail and discovered he played bass, leading Mercury to quip, "Fuck the rest, darlings - Let's get naked!"
Deacon agreed to join Queen after his army was shamefully defeated at the banks of the river Thames single-handedly by MI-6 special agent John Steed. His career as Queen's bassist went largely unnoticed, but he managed to compensate with his hypnotic, swaying dance and sober expression as he plucked the bass. This move is now used as a form of execution, but has received flak for being slightly more painful than the lethal injection. John's anonymity grew from there; he was awarded a Grammy for "Most Forgettable Bassist of All Time" in January of 1976, however, he was not presented it because no one could remember who he was and security carted him off. During one disastrous show in Madison Square Garden, after Freddie introduced Roger and Brian, he announced, "And on bass... er... ehh... em... that guy!"
Most attribute John Deacon's varitable invisibility to both his scientific experiments with invisibility and the fact that most fans were too distracted by Brian's hair and musical glory, Roger's testicle shrinking screams, and Freddie's outstanding voice and giant teeth.
John Deacon met Roger Taylor at college in 1969, when Roger joined the band, Queen, he persuaded John to join him, in both Queen and a domestic partnership after a relationship of 3 years. This seems to be why no one cared about Freddie being bi. The respective members of Doger, as the couple is called, have had several children, but no one knows where they come from. Though they reportedly have strange entities called "wives", many speculate that the eleven little buggers with falsetto speaking voices and perpetual dull glares are really from this bromance. It is speculated that Dakota Fanning and Tom Felton may be two of their children.
Despite this, Deaky Plain and Tall penned many of the bands' greatest hits, such as You're A Person That I Enjoy Spending Time With More Than Others and I Want to Go Pee, along with Some Stupid Pilot Thin for Some Other Band. Perhaps his greatest hit was Don Corleone Bites the Dust, a re-imagining of The Sugar Hill Gang's Rappers Delight. These are not these songs real names, as due to the Canadian Bill Of Rights, the boredom invoked by Deacon has been found to cause muscle spasms and comas.
The majority of Deacon's compositions ended up as unpublished tracks deemed "too shocking" for use on any albums, let alone radio. These "lost" tracks are said to have been cleaned up and covered by hip-hop artist 50 Cent, and used extensively throughout both his Get Rich or Die Tryin' and The Massacre albums. It is rumored that the rapper will place remixes of "Misfire" and "Who Needs You" on a 2010 album.
No-one knows what happened to John Deacon. Brian May reported seeing him teaching ballet in a small, rundown studio May accidently visited when Queen+Paul Rodgers toured in Russia.