The following article is taken from this week’s Daily News, and thus is in no way libellous towards my good self:-
Speaking at the launch of his forthcoming tour with a band whose name I forget, Geordie crooner Paul Rodgers, 76, ignited a furious war of words with his former supergroup co-members, Queen legends Brian May and Roger Taylor.
“I had honestly never even heard of Freddie Mercury before I agreed to supersede him as Queen’s leading member”, he roared. “But I wanted to jump at the chance to educate a new legion of fans into what a proper frontman can do.”
This reporter has it on good authority that during his 30 year absence from the music industry, Rodgers had largely spent most of his time living at his mother’s house, surviving on state handouts, including disability living allowance for a ‘spasmodic back’, which he explains “limits my on-stage movements to throwing my microphone stand high into the air, and then catching it.”
“When I agreed to improve Queen, I could hardly believe the venom I attracted from certain quarters saying I was unfit to lace Mercury’s corset. They say he had several Ivor Biggun awards for songwriting. Yeah? Well, I’ve got awards coming out of my arse. My song won the ‘2nd Best Music used in a chewing gum advertisement’ award. When people spit gum on the sidewalk, it’s me they are thinking about.”
While Mr. Rodgers adjusted his leather trousers ( he had become quite purple by this stage, I wrongly assumed with rage, but he actually couldn’t breathe, or even imbibe fluids ), I informed him of the struggling ticket sales for his upcoming arena tour. “I prefer playing in half empty theatres, the acoustics are better”, he snarled. “And it will be such a relief to sing my own songs and not have to worry about people going off for piss breaks during them.”
His diatribe continued, “when people talk of Queen’s Glory Years, it won’t be dated standards like Bohemian Rhapsody they recall. It will be classics like C-lebrity and that other one that doesn’t quite spring to mind, that spring to mind.”
Unfortunately, Brian May, 84, was unavailable for comment, but his agent confirmed the poodle-haired, moptopped, curly beanpole would be writing something extremely vicious and condescending from the safety of his internet blog.
Roger Taylor, 103, was pleased to have his say on the subject, as he is promoting a protest song on something he has little idea about. “Freddie Mercury is irreplaceable. But don’t think that won’t stop us trying. We’re currently in talks with another gravelly voiced ageing Northern crooner, Chris Rea, who once had a hit when God was a lad, with a song the name of which escapes me. This is what Freddie would definitely have wanted. I remember often asking him how he wanted it, and he would unfailingly respond ‘Up the Rea.’”
Queen’s only other surviving member Spike Edney, 68, declined to comment on the matter, but did mention he was taking bookings for weddings, christenings and bar mitzvahs.
FLASHMAN STRIKES AGAIN!
Paul Rodgers is not the best thing since fried Fred.