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Amazon user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 31 Mar 11, 13:26 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I've got a problem I would love someone's help with. Basically since 2005, I've been a member of a film chat site, however since early last year I stopped posting. My reasons weren't particularly exciting; I had some personal issues to deal with, and was away for a couple of months, and the longer I was away, the more difficult I found it to get back. It's kind of like attempting to return to a party where everyone knows you, but the party has moved on.


I was a regular-long term member,which in a sense makes my decision to return or not even harder. If I was only an occasional poster, I would return in an instant, but because I'm not, it would be difficult to quietly ease myself back in. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. :D

lifetimefanofqueen user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 31 Mar 11, 14:09 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

i know how you feel, hmmmm....i dont know what to suggest but to go on and if anyone asks just say you had personal problems and couldnt be there and just ease your way back in, i know im not much help but i dont know what else to suggest :P 
i have a simulare problem, ive been out of school alot because of personal stuff, when i get back theres been stupid rumers going around about me and my "friends" believe that i am emo and do nothing but think bout killing people, which is bullshit! im not emo i just dont really wanna talk to "popular" people who deside THEIR the best and that everyone should be like them....sooo i dont talk to ass holes and that makes me an emo? i dont even look like one!!! and because my "friends" want to be in with the big guns they abandon me, except one who knows that the rumers are bollocks! and im scared to go back because every time im there every breath i take people will spread more rumers! i cant go anywere without some ass hole calling me stuff and trying to be cool, i got other stuff to worry about yet alone rumers and shit! why cant people just grow up! grrrrr.....anyway just like your situation its a hard call, trapped both sides, but i say face ur fears

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Posted: 31 Mar 11, 17:01 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

probably best to just set up a new account so nobody thinks twice about it. with time, you can probably come in & just tell them that it's you once they start to interact with you again. hope things are looking up on your end!

GratefulFan user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 31 Mar 11, 18:41 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Do you think that you could articulate what you're worried about more precisely?  What broad scenario are you envisioning that would make you concerned that returning could be a negative experience?  And for who?  You, or them, or both? Then maybe you/we could think about how realistic that is/isn't.

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Posted: 31 Mar 11, 19:07 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

lifetimefanofqueen wrote: "i know how you feel, hmmmm....i dont know what to suggest but to go on and if anyone asks just say you had personal problems and couldnt be there and just ease your way back in, i know im not much help but i dont know what else to suggest :P"


No, you're a great help. :D Yeh, that would probably be the most realistic way, although it's still not all that easy.

"i have a simulare problem, ive been out of school alot because of personal stuff, when i get back theres been stupid rumers going around about me and my "friends" believe that i am emo and do nothing but think bout killing people, which is bullshit! im not emo i just dont really wanna talk to "popular" people who deside THEIR the best and that everyone should be like them....sooo i dont talk to ass holes and that makes me an emo? i dont even look like one!!! and because my "friends" want to be in with the big guns they abandon me, except one who knows that the rumers are bollocks! and im scared to go back because every time im there every breath i take people will spread more rumers! i cant go anywere without some ass hole calling me stuff and trying to be cool, i got other stuff to worry about yet alone rumers and shit! why cant people just grow up! grrrrr.....anyway just like your situation its a hard call, trapped both sides, but i say face ur fears"

Sounds horrible. I'm glad I'm not at school anymore.

thewordpainter wrote: "probably best to just set up a new account so nobody thinks twice about it. with time, you can probably come in & just tell them that it's you once they start to interact with you again. hope things are looking up on your end!"

Thanks for the suggestion, :D however I would prefer to either return as me, or not return. It's much cleaner that way.


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Posted: 31 Mar 11, 19:13 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

GratefulFan wrote: "Do you think that you could articulate what you're worried about more precisely? What broad scenario are you envisioning that would make you concerned that returning could be a negative experience? And for who? You, or them, or both? Then maybe you/we could think about how realistic that is/isn't."


Forgive me, I should have. I guess I have two concerns. My first concern is more about explaining my absence. I've been on the site for so long and formed so many relationships that my absence will (and has) been noted, and as such it will not be possible to simply ease my way bcak in. I'm not being egotistical here; I'm not suggesting that when I return, they will greet me as if I was Freddie walking into a Queen Fan Club convention. However there will be questions and comments, and as a shy person, I don't deal with that so easily.

My second concern, or fear, is that it won't be the same. I used the analogy of a party in my original post, and as such I fear that the party has moved on, and either it is isn't as good as I remember and I'm not able to recapture the magic; or the people have moved on and I'm no longer one of the 'cool' kids.

I don't think it will be a particularly negative experience, and certainly not for them, however I am concerned. I hope that makes things clearer.

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Posted: 01 Apr 11, 00:31 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I have anxiety about talking to people when it has been a while since I spoke with them.  So, this might be something that other people on your chat site would understand and even have in common with you.

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Posted: 01 Apr 11, 06:16 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Both of your concerns would be concerns I'd share but hearing them from you (instead of myself) makes them easier to calm. :-)

When you go back - and I think you should because it sounds like you want to - you might want to make a show of it rather than tiptoe in. Get it done on your terms. Post an "I'm Back" note to the group with the simple explanation that "life got in the way for a while". You could even add something like "Normal things, so I won't bore you." Then go on with a topic you'd like to discuss. Chances are, more people will welcome you back than ask where you've been. For those who do ask, you could just say it was nothing interesting that kept you away. Just everyday stuff snowballing. Don't feel obligated to share details. The chat-mates who matter will understand. Those who don't will push for more but... who cares. Either don't reply or tell them you could make something up if they're looking for something juicy.

As for the party moving on... make your own party. You seem comfortable posting what you feel and have a range of ideas/opinions/issues you can draw on. I'm sure people will respond - and you may be surprised to learn there are others in your position waiting for someone - like you - to come back first.

I honestly believe if this chat group is something you enjoy then you should get back into it.The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Good luck - and have fun.


"The others don't like my interviews. And frankly, I don't care much for theirs." ~ Freddie Mercury



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Posted: 01 Apr 11, 17:44 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

You didn't say, but I'm wondering if one of the hesitations about returning is that your silent disappearance wasn't in line with responsibilities (there's probably a better word) you might have felt to your friendships and relationships there.  Friendships online are started and grown very much like they are face to face, yet there is a tendency to conduct things as though those connections are disposable even though that's often not reflective of the way people actually feel.   Sincere one on one communications can bridge an awful lot of time and distance.  Did you consider checking in first via PM with a small core of friends there, just letting them know you've missed the place and them and that you're looking forward to having more time very soon to dive  back in?  That would eliminate a flurry of public questions and surprise at your sudden return, and eliminate you dealing with what people say, or sometimes more confusing, what they don't say.  People may follow their lead (since your first post in a long time will be expected now) and let you effectively ease back in.

The place probably has moved on, but remember it would have been moving with or without you on the bus. Where the community is now is quite likely where it would have been had you not left for a time, so your absence just means making the same adjustments everybody else has made, but more abruptly.  The thing with film is it's always going to be generating new discussions so every new film and new conversation is a level playing field and a fresh start.  If you have to be away from a community for a long time, film is not a bad one to be away from.

I'm certain you're a positive part of that community and that they have missed you and would welcome you back.  Even here you recently didn't post for a slightly longer time than usual and I noticed it, and was glad to see your new posts.   Overall I think we regret the things we didn't do far more than the things we did do, so I say go for it.  It's not like you can't leave again if it's no longer fun or satisfying.

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Posted: 03 Apr 11, 20:49 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Donna13 wrote: "I have anxiety about talking to people when it has been a while since I spoke with them. So, this might be something that other people on your chat site would understand and even have in common with you."


You may be right. I would imagine it is very common. Which is really good to hear. :D


magicalfreddiemercury wrote: "Both of your concerns would be concerns I'd share but hearing them from you (instead of myself) makes them easier to calm. :-)"

Knowing that others share them is actually very reassuring for me.

"When you go back - and I think you should because it sounds like you want to - you might want to make a show of it rather than tiptoe in. Get it done on your terms. Post an "I'm Back" note to the group with the simple explanation that "life got in the way for a while". You could even add something like "Normal things, so I won't bore you." Then go on with a topic you'd like to discuss. Chances are, more people will welcome you back than ask where you've been. For those who do ask, you could just say it was nothing interesting that kept you away. Just everyday stuff snowballing. Don't feel obligated to share details. The chat-mates who matter will understand. Those who don't will push for more but... who cares. Either don't reply or tell them you could make something up if they're looking for something juicy."

That is a terrific idea! There are actually a couple of threads where I could announce my presence, and not come off as egotistical. Thanks MFM, that is fantatic advice. :D

"As for the party moving on... make your own party. You seem comfortable posting what you feel and have a range of ideas/opinions/issues you can draw on. I'm sure people will respond - and you may be surprised to learn there are others in your position waiting for someone - like you - to come back first."

Yes, I'm sure you're right. One of the good things about the responses to this thread is that there several people who seem to share my concerns. It's always nice knowing one isn't alone.

"I honestly believe if this chat group is something you enjoy then you should get back into it.The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Good luck - and have fun."

Thanks, I really appreciate it, and I will try to! :D

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Posted: 03 Apr 11, 22:03 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

GratefulFan wrote: "You didn't say, but I'm wondering if one of the hesitations about returning is that your silent disappearance wasn't in line with responsibilities (there's probably a better word) you might have felt to your friendships and relationships there. Friendships online are started and grown very much like they are face to face, yet there is a tendency to conduct things as though those connections are disposable even though that's often not reflective of the way people actually feel."


Wow, that is, as usual, incredibly insightful! :D Yes, one of my concerns is exactly that, as I have really good relationships with several members, and my concern is partly that the members will have moved on, but also I feel guilty about opting out. I don't feel that I treated my relationships as well as I could and should have.

"Sincere one on one communications can bridge an awful lot of time and distance. Did you consider checking in first via PM with a small core of friends there, just letting them know you've missed the place and them and that you're looking forward to having more time very soon to dive back in? That would eliminate a flurry of public questions and surprise at your sudden return, and eliminate you dealing with what people say, or sometimes more confusing, what they don't say. People may follow their lead (since your first post in a long time will be expected now) and let you effectively ease back in."

The problem I had, was that while I did consider PMing certain individual members, I didn't know exactly what to say. I worried that they moved on, but I also don't know exactly how I would reestablish the relationship.

But you know what, you answered my question of what I should say. :D I think 'just letting them know you've missed the place and them and that you're looking forward to having more time very soon to dive back in' is exactly the right thing to say.

I have a habbit of wanting my posts to be perfect, and so I I spend a lot of time trying to find the right thing to say. The problem with that is that time doesn't stand still, and before I know it, by the time I've written the perfect post (based on what I want to say) the discussion has moved on. In this case, tryig to perfect my personal messages meant that several months had passed. The reason I mention this is that I think it is better, and easier, to just go simple, like you suggested.

It's interesting BTW about this idea of online versus real-life relationships. There have been a few times where I've allowed (non-romantic) relationships to end, as the other person has made minimal to no effort to communicate a desire to continue the relationship. Which happens probably with most people at some time or another; friendships simply reach a natural end. This makes it easier, in some ways, to have relationships in real life than on-line. On-line, it's much harder to determine whether a relationship has reached its natural end.

"The place probably has moved on, but remember it would have been moving with or without you on the bus. Where the community is now is quite likely where it would have been had you not left for a time, so your absence just means making the same adjustments everybody else has made, but more abruptly."

True, I just wonder though if I can catch up with it. Thinking about it, though, even if had changed dramatically, there are a few members (whom I really like) who are unlikely to have changed at all.

"The thing with film is it's always going to be generating new discussions so every new film and new conversation is a level playing field and a fresh start. If you have to be away from a community for a long time, film is not a bad one to be away from."

Oh, absolutely. :D

"I'm certain you're a positive part of that community and that they have missed you and would welcome you back. Even here you recently didn't post for a slightly longer time than usual and I noticed it, and was glad to see your new posts."

GF, I am really flattered and I just wat to say that this this means so much to me! :D

"Overall I think we regret the things we didn't do far more than the things we did do, so I say go for it. It's not like you can't leave again if it's no longer fun or satisfying."

Exactly. I couldn't agree more. Also as you say, I don't have to stay. Thanks, I will go for it.

Thanks GF! :D

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Posted: 04 Apr 11, 11:37 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Amazon wrote:

 Yes, one of my concerns is exactly that, as I have really good relationships with several members, and my concern is partly that the members will have moved on, but also I feel guilty about opting out. I don't feel that I treated my relationships as well as I could and should have.
==============

You don't need to feel guilt Amazon because it's just a function of the medium.  A couple of the people on the other end have probably weighed reaching out to you, but didn't, amid the same doubt about the 'rules' of online friendships.  If you decide to PM to smooth the way, a few sincere warm words are all that's needed to reset things to normal.  It'll be fine, and we can't wait to hear how it all goes. :)