Forums > Personal > what do guys like to do for the weekend? in a platonic way? holp holp!

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catqueen user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 06:03 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Hi... a bit of advice please?  Random, i know.  Anyways, idk if i posted about it before, but this guy in Belgium who i used to know about 10 years ago had found me on facebook a while ago (a year or two ago i guess).  I never knew him well, but he is still friends of some of my friends, or was until they moved.  Over the last number of months he has been commenting and 'liking' basically everything on my page.  At one point, i joined Shah Ruh Khan's fan page -- the next day he did too.  Now i know he is reasonably socially aware and MAY have seen the movie My Name is Khan, but i seriously doubt it, as i had to order it online, and it isnt well known in europe.  Then about November, he emailed me in fb and said he always wanted to get to know me better blaa blaa, he is thinking of coming over to ireland, can he come see me.  Idiot thot 'hmm odd,' but knew he was also going other places in ireland, so said sure, not even expecting him to arrive, and IF he did, that he would stay for a day, because he is travelliing.  By december, he was creeping me out, constant emails, ims (for a while i rarely online in fb to avoid him).  Apart from the creepy stalker thing, i am interested in someone else, and i am 26 next month, and he is 21.  After weeks of not answering him, emailing back a week after he emailed me, just answering direct questions, and being generally cold to him, he stopped messaging me.  Then like a fool on new yrs eve i said happy new year, and he took it as a sign of interest.  He called me princess in chat and i told him v clearly i am NOT his princess, we are simply friends, that is all.  And he said 'to me u are :)'  So i emailed him the next day and told him very bluntly that i am not interested, hes a nice guy, but im not interested.  And he said he knew that from how i had been so cold. 
Anyway, NOW he tells me he is in my area from thur - tue (the dates he had previously told me he will be in ireland for, but the travel plans are gone).  I live outside town, and his b and b is v close to my house (he has been here before, so knows where i live).  I am in college fri, and work mon, but WHAT THE HECK AM I MEANT TO DO FOR SAT AND SUN????!!!  I dont want to lead him on, because i am definately not interested, hes creeping me out.  But he wont have meals provided in the b and b.  My stepdad has dementia and has very bad paranoid delusions involving young men, so he cant come to my house.  WTF am i supposed to do?  What do guys like to do that wont lead him on?  We can go for a walk, there are beaches nearby, and one night im going to arrange for a group to go somewhere, so im not alone with him all the time.  But beyond that what do i do with him?  And how do i deal with his meals?  His english is ok, but not great, and he wil have no transport.  :/ 
HELLPPPP!!!!!!!!!

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 06:26 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I think he sounds very odd and I would recommend staying away from him, especially since you seem so uncomfotable with the whole thing. I think you need to worry less about what you will do with him and more about how to avoid him. Sounds like a total mental.

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 08:03 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

On paper, other then the age, he seems great.  We have very similar interests, very similar beliefs, very similar values.  BUT from what i remember his whole family are a bit odd (he has 11 or 12 siblings), but thats not really his fault.  I guess i feel a bit responsible, cos i told him he can come see me if he's around.  I just didnt mean for him to interpret that as 'come camp on my doorstep for the weekend.'  Plus, dad has deteriorated so much since christmas (i live at home to help care for him/give stability and support) and before christmas he wasnt hallucinating so much.  But now he is seeing these young men everywhere, and thinking i'm being tortured all night, dragged off, having acid thrown into my face if i dont agree to marry one of them, and being forced to work in a strip club.  If im late home (as in if its 9 pm lol) he is almost in tears, and i have to text mum so she can tell him im ok.  Last week he cried when he saw me in the morning cos he thought i must surely be dead because of what he heard and saw during the night.  So basically i cant have the guy over to the house, cos dad will think he is one of the men lol.  And that makes it really, really awkward.  If i could have him here, he could come over for dinner or something, stay in main part of the house, other people would be around, and i could drop him back to the b and b early (nobody stays too long at my house cos dad can make conversation difficult).  But i do feel bad saying he can come and then not making sure hes fed at least.  My plan so far is:
Thur- collect him from bus in evening, idk what to do about food, and hope to goodness hes tired enough to want to rest and just drop him at b and b.
Fri- im in college all day, idk what to do for evening, maybe arrange group thing.
Sat - study part of day, maybe go to town -- but do what???  and i have to see my grandmother (which is disastrous, cos he has asked to meet my family, but she was away and i have to go see her)  in evening, idk... maybe try get something substantial late in afternoon?  but his b and b is in the middle of the country, so there'll be nothing for him to do if i just drop him there.
Sun - go to church (hahaha, one way to get rid of him :D )  and if the group thing wasnt friday, then do it sunday eve, and that will be only time i see him sun i HOPE
Mon - work till evening then idk what to do in evening, but kinda have to see him cos he leaves tuesday. 
One day he is going to another city, thank god, but im sure he'll plan that for fri or mon.

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 09:27 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

To use a well known vernacular from Brendan O'Carroll (as his character Mrs Brown in Mrs Browns Boys) "Step away from the fecking vehicle!!!". From what I can make out from your posts, you are clearly not looking forward to meeting with this person. so dont do it.


"Normally i can't dance to save my life.

But as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson."
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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 11:04 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Im not.  And its less then a month until my finals in college (and im working as well, so weekends are spent stuck to the computor).  But like i said, i had told him id meet up with him, and i feel really bad leaving him hanging.  :/  so idk.  of course come to think of it, one idea would be to go to my grannys house on sunday, not saturday, and he has no way of knowing how far away she lives, so that would be sunday afternoon gone.  then i just have fri, sat and mon night to worry about.  My mother keeps telling me 'he might be lovely, he might be really nice, ull have a great time, u need to get out more' but seriously, he seems nuts!  He is completely besotted with me, and he does not know me apart from facebook statuses.  I thinkk ill just be very busy, spend a little time with him, in public places, and with friends if possible -- and hopefully it can only go better then i fear, not worse.  Maybe he is ok.  Just he creeps me out a bit.  And i kinda doubt if he'll be able to understand my accent anyway lol. 
My friend keeps saying be careful, its fine ur mum saying he'll be nice, but i dont want to find u in plastic bags in someones freezer!  rofl

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 12:12 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Bah.  Always a hard and stressful situation feeling like you've been put in a situation where you have to manage somebody else's unrequited affection.  The good news is you don't have to.  You really don't, and you shouldn't.  It's your responsibility to be clear, which you have, and it's the other party's responsibility to properly interpret the social signals he's receiving.

Although there may be nuances that have made you uncomfortable that are hard to communicate precisely, the overall picture you've painted wouldn't really alarm me.   There's nothing unusual about seeking a lot of interaction with someone we like, and when you didn't respond, he stopped.   The princess bit could be down to language or culture.  I recall reading somewhere that Belgian men are expected to rise when a woman enters a room and stand on public transportation until women are seated and other things like that.  So it may just be a chivalrous (or sexist, depending how one views it) society where that kind of language in romantic pursuit would be normal.  When you flat out spelled it out, he acknowledged he understood.  Male persistence in courtship is kind of glamourized in various cultural mediums like television and movies and such, so I rarely blame a guy for trying (and trying and trying).  It's when a sense of entitlement starts to slip in or he (or she in the case of the shoe being on the other foot) really rides over clear stop signals that it gets alarming and not OK.  I don't think that's the case here as he's just following up on a previous arrangement.

All that said, there is no way you should be spending four days next week in some kind of protracted social anxiety over this internet friend.  Is his visit something you could welcome and enjoy based on your common interests etc. if you were absolutely assured that his expectations were in line with yours?   If so, I would write him and reestablish that with absolute clarity and tell him with honesty that you are concerned he's coming all this way with expectations you can't meet and that you don't want to waste his time and money.  It's about respect for you, but it's also about respect for him.  If he's anywhere in shouting distance of normal he'd be pretty mortified that this conversation we're having is going on at all.  Nobody wants to be 'that guy' (or girl).  If you have that conversation, and agree that he's visiting only as a friend for a change of scenery,  then you are 100% in your bounds to cut the whole thing off at any point if he makes you uncomfortable, guilt free, whether he's been there for 5 minutes or 3 days.

Anyway, good luck.  It's not an easy situation. :)

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 13:53 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

well that is the thing -- he knows that it is only friendship, i have been clear,  and he accepted it for a bit and then went back to trying.  But i literally didnt answer him for almost a month, and then he sent me a song (not romantic) and told me i should not hurry, esp for a man.  But I guess he knows its just friendly visit, and he had ticket booked, im just wierd about it, and scared that ill accidently lead him on lol.  Oh well, if he makes a move ill just have to repeat the 'we are just friends' convo.  And he isnt just an internet friend, he was a friend of a friend, and we used to hang out with the same group sometimes in teens.  I had friends in belgium, he had friends in ireland, and there was a gang of us used to get together sometimes.  But that was when i was about 16 - 18 or so and he was 11- 14 ish!  So i dont really remember him all that clearly.

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 14:14 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

catqueen wrote: well that is the thing -- he knows that it is only friendship, i have been clear,  and he accepted it for a bit and then went back to trying.  But i literally didnt answer him for almost a month, and then he sent me a song (not romantic) and told me i should not hurry, esp for a man.  But I guess he knows its just friendly visit, and he had ticket booked, im just wierd about it, and scared that ill accidently lead him on lol.  Oh well, if he makes a move ill just have to repeat the 'we are just friends' convo.  And he isnt just an internet friend, he was a friend of a friend, and we used to hang out with the same group sometimes in teens.  I had friends in belgium, he had friends in ireland, and there was a gang of us used to get together sometimes.  But that was when i was about 16 - 18 or so and he was 11- 14 ish!  So i dont really remember him all that clearly. 


There's a tiny gap between infatuation and all-out stalking. If I were you, and I know this is easy to say, I would contact him only one more time to let him know you cannot be his guide while he's in town. Period. No explanation required. That may seem cold, but from where I sit, this guy sounds like he's not all there. That he eagerly jumps on your goodhearted nature as if it's a romantic invitation, is worrisome to me. Whatever issues he has while in town about meals, etc. are his fault/responsibility/problem. Not yours. Don't make it so. And dare I say, "Mind the gap."


"The others don't like my interviews. And frankly, I don't care much for theirs." ~ Freddie Mercury



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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 14:40 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

that's a bitch of a situation, i don't know what to suggest

if it was me I'd go out to a garden centre Saturday and Sunday or anywhere, and if i had to drive him somewhere id do it but don't make it clear to him you aren't interested by not talking much and just act bored of him (which i think from the sounds of him will be easy)  so that he gets the fecking message! men NEVER get things through their heads for at least 3 years, not all though, some men understand what women say, others....no
and i think the sign of boredom of him would hopefully get into his head as "she doesn't like you, quit it" 
sounds mean, but you could just say you have a bad headache from collage work, which will stop him either way because the "i have to much work" excuse is the same as "im female and im pissed off, keep the fuck away from me or i'll cut your nipples off" 

or just spend the two days "doing" collage work and say that you need to study because you have a big exam soon

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 15:22 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

make sure you are not alone with him if you are that concerned,have a friend with you


isnt innuendo an italian suppository?

im gonna ride the wild wind!

its_a_hard_life wrote:you nutcase you rule!

joxer replies: but in a nice way :-]

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 15:31 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

So many chick-y advice threads going on right now!  Queenzone chicks in internet Heaven! LOL

With regard to 'accidentally leading him on' I think you'll need to consider that there is a limit to what you can control here.  First, the hope in your average man's mind that he might be in line to get lucky with a woman he finds attractive will never be completely gone.  It's just always there, like background noise, and it's normal. Second, while a woman generally needs to be a bit 'off' to inaccurately perceive sexual interest that is not there, for whatever reason it's very, very common for a normal guy operating normally to do so.  I read a study once where some shockingly high number of  men - like 85% or something - misread common friendliness as sexual interest.  I could tell you 50 similar stories from my own casual observations over the years. It's just there, and while it can be discouraging and even hurtful I don't think women need to unduly treat it as something pathological or menacing in situations that are not physically or psychologically threating.  Better to develop the skills to gently but effectively deal with it.

I guess those are more general comments than something tied directly to your situation, but I think what I'm trying to say is past a certain point you can't take on the burden of the way other people respond to you. So don't. :)

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 15:36 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

JoxerTheDeityPirate wrote: make sure you are not alone with him if you are that concerned,have a friend with you
========================

Dammit Joxer this is an ADVICE THREAD.  Who needs your pithy, reasonable practical man thoughts.  What we need are a minimum of four paragraphs of jasmine scented cautionary tales and philosophizing.  Please! ;)

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 15:40 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

magicalfreddiemercury wrote:

There's a tiny gap between infatuation and all-out stalking. If I were you, and I know this is easy to say, I would contact him only one more time to let him know you cannot be his guide while he's in town. Period. No explanation required. That may seem cold, but from where I sit, this guy sounds like he's not all there. That he eagerly jumps on your goodhearted nature as if it's a romantic invitation, is worrisome to me. Whatever issues he has while in town about meals, etc. are his fault/responsibility/problem. Not yours. Don't make it so. And dare I say, "Mind the gap."

===========================

Sob.  I have a rapidly withering fantasy that someday I'll actually have an opinion that just about everybody doesn't disagree with.  It's starting to wear me out, it really and truly  is. :)

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 16:34 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

GratefulFan wrote: Sob.  I have a rapidly withering fantasy that someday I'll actually have an opinion that just about everybody doesn't disagree with.  It's starting to wear me out, it really and truly  is. :) 

It's a knee-jerk reaction on my part. I've had experience with an obsessive admirer. It's not something I'd like to see others endure, so, when alarm bells sound for me, I feel obliged to warn others. Better safe than sorry, as they say.


"The others don't like my interviews. And frankly, I don't care much for theirs." ~ Freddie Mercury



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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 17:30 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Catqueen -  Maybe, you could just see him on one of the days? Rather than make a whole weekend of it, as that might give him the wrong idea. Personally I'd not see him at all, as he seems completely odd, but if you would feel bad about cancelling on him maybe you could just send him a message saying you're so busy at the moment and have a lot on so you'll only be able to see him on one of the days he's there. You could keep it in mutual territory, even bring a friend along, go out for a casual lunch and a walk and then leave him to it.

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Posted: 02 Apr 11, 18:29 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Thanks peoples, i do feel a bit better about it having ranted, and heard other ppls opinions.  I guess it is true that i cant control what he thinks, all i can control is my own behaviour, and that is clear.  And i dont expect to end up in someones freezer, although i do know he has issues with anger about some stuff that happened with other people.  But i think his anger just amounts to shouting and ranting about it lol, not actually to hurtiing anyone.  And im going to try to minimise how much time i spend with him, and find excuses (i really do have my finals soon!).  i had offered to pick him up from the bus on thur, and he will need food then, and ill see him on sat and maybe part of sun, but otherwise ill try avoid him.  I dont think he actually is a psychopath, just not very socially aware, was raised in a fairly unorthadox way, and was (as far as i know) fairly isolated from people other then his family.  And he was raised very strictly also, so has possibly an odd view of girls.  Ah well, this time next week it will be nearly over. 
And i know its a wierd thread, and i hate constant advice seeking online, but i really appreciate peoples responses here, cos i genuinely am a bit bamboozled about how to handle it.

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Posted: 03 Apr 11, 03:09 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

GratefulFan wrote: JoxerTheDeityPirate wrote: make sure you are not alone with him if you are that concerned,have a friend with you
========================

Dammit Joxer this is an ADVICE THREAD.  Who needs your pithy, reasonable practical man thoughts.  What we need are a minimum of four paragraphs of jasmine scented cautionary tales and philosophizing.  Please! ;)
====================================
i was all out of jasmine scented Joxsticks..:-p
i promise it wont happen again,carry on philosophisinginginging.... ;-D


isnt innuendo an italian suppository?

im gonna ride the wild wind!

its_a_hard_life wrote:you nutcase you rule!

joxer replies: but in a nice way :-]

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Posted: 03 Apr 11, 06:35 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I would not want to meet someone wo has so little regard for other peoples' needs and wishes. Unless you explicitly invited him to visit you, you do not owe this person anything. It's always the nice and obliging people who are used by the not-so-nice and totally inconsiderate people. It does not matter if the pressure you feel actually comes from this guy or if it comes from your own feelings - you did  not create the situation, so you do not need to feel responsible.


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Posted: 03 Apr 11, 11:45 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

on a side note,nothing decent has ever come from Belgium apart from that Van Damme bloke..
and Tin Tin doesnt count!


isnt innuendo an italian suppository?

im gonna ride the wild wind!

its_a_hard_life wrote:you nutcase you rule!

joxer replies: but in a nice way :-]

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Posted: 03 Apr 11, 12:59 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Technically, it would not be impossible for him to cancel the entire trip at this point, or at least the part of the trip that involves seeing you.  Usually hotels only require a 24 or 48 hour notice.  He could still fly to Ireland if that is what he really wants to do (which he might want to do if his tickets are non-refundable), and he could still get a decent trip out of it.  He would just have to change his hotel situation and not plan to spend time with you.  

If you feel uncomfortable in any way about seeing him (which you do), it is best to cancel.  Get it over with quickly and then you will feel relieved.

I once had a guy who was not at all attractive, and who I had never encouraged at all, invite himself over - just out of the blue (totally unexpected) to have dinner with me.  He said our mothers were trying to get us together.  Later I asked my mother about this and she knew nothing of it.  At first I accepted his inviting himself over, not wanting to be rude and not knowing what else to say at the time.  But then I worried and worried about it so much that I decided to just call him up and cancel.  He then tried to talk me into it saying "just as friends" and that sort of thing.  Never believe this!  Ha.  You just have to be firm sometimes.  Especially when someone seems to have an agenda.