Newly translated from the original Tongues: & with the former translations diligently ignored by Her Majesty’s special commandment, from Queen I to The Works. Appointed to be read upon the internet. Imprinted by Mr John Doran with thanks given to Mr Luke Turner and Mr John Tatlock. Anno Dom. 2011.
In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and the void and The Darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved in the waters of the deep. And God looked at The Darkness, and thought, ‘I have got things arse about tit already.’
And God said, ‘Let there be rock.’ And lo, there was Bill Hailey rocking around a clock, which God had also just created. But God was unhappy and said, ‘This is really rubbish.’
And God said, ‘Let there be Elvis.’ And there was Elvis. And God liked Elvis but was not too keen on ‘In The Ghetto’ and his saucy dancing. God made a mental note to speak to Elvis at a later date over his appropriation of the nomenclature, The King.
And God created The Beatles. And there were four. And they were fab. But God was still not entirely convinced at their whimsical nursery rhymes set to a vigorous backbeat.
Then God created Jimi Hendrix. And God was all like, ‘This is more like it.’
And then during the Year Of Our LORD 1970 God created Queen. And God did like Queen, saying, 'You do make the rocking world go round.' And all was right with the world.
And lo, Queen became stupidly big.
They sold 300 million albums worldwide, which is a human number but not one that any humans, bar Professor Stephen Hawking and Sir Alan Sugar can have any proper understanding of.
And during their reign, they did score 18 number one albums and 18 number one singles, not to mention 10 number one DVDs.
And their early single, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ stayed at number one in the UK for nine weeks. And so it came to pass that many coach drivers, wedding DJs, publicans and subscribers to The WIRE magazine did wail and gnash their teeth at having to listen to this song more times than was perhaps strictly necessary.
And Queen did spend 1,322 weeks in the UK album charts, which adds up to two score years and six - much more than any other band.
And with 5.5million copies sold, Queen’s Greatest Hits became the greatest selling album of all time in the UK.
And it came to pass, that some members of Queen did miss the meeting where the Rules Of Leviticus were explained and went on to behave in a most relaxed manner.
And King Bulsara of Zanzibar did begat Little Richard who begat Tom Sellick who begat Billy Elliott who begat Mario Lanza who begat Lt. John McClane who begat Robert Plant who begat Liberace who begat Freddie Mercury.
And King Charles I did begat King Charles II who begat Sir Patrick Moore who begat The Mars Volta who begat Hank Marvin who begat Eric Clapton who begat Brian May.
And Animal from The Muppets did begat Christopher Walken who begat Cozy Powell who begat Lulu who begat Ginger Baker who begat Rachel Hunter who begat Tommy Lee who begat Roger Taylor.
And George Harrison, the quiet one from The Beatles did begat John Deacon.
Read QUEEN to THE WORKS http://thequietus.com/articles/06420-queen-album-reissue-review-king-james-bible
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