Brian - Hey Roger, quick, come and listen to this.
Roger - What? One of those out-takes we'd dug up from the Queen II sessions and decided we couldn't let the masses hear it in case they thought we might have an anthology-style release in the pipeline?
B - No - don't be so fucking stupid. There's nothing in the archive at all. I've had someone very trustworthy cataloguing the session tapes and I can assure you we haven't got anything like that from any of our albums.
R - But we out out Feelings Feelings on the News Of The World remaster.
B - No we didn't, it doesn't exist. I'd know because I'm a Doctor........
R - Whatever.
B - Anyway, you'll love this. Remember that guy who played bass with us in the '70's?
R - Barry Mitchell?
B - I think so. He came up with the bass line that Ice Baby character used.
R - Yeah - Barry. He had a tape of us playing a college show in 1976, didn't he?
B - No - we've released everything that is of high interest to anyone.
R - Whatever.
B - I've got this tape of him talking about us. Recorded from a highly developed bug I placed in a lampshade in his hotel room the night we played at Milton Keynes Bowl for the Live Aid show in 1989.
R - Wow! How did you get that?
B - Never you mind. I think that Rebecca Brooks chick wanted it so that she could use it in her defence against these phone tapping charges. Looks like everyone's been doing it for years. Even the James Bond films show it. Listen.
Voice - I'm John Deacon.
Voice - Great - we've been after you for a while for a story.
J - Yeah - I know. I thought I'd finally cough up after all these years as these wankers are beginning to piss me off.
Voice - Who are they.
J - Brian May and Roger Taylor. They are complete wankers.
Voice - We've always thought that they were rock and roll's nice guys.
J - That's the image they'd like to portray - reality is that they are wankers.
Voice - What about Freddie Mercury?
J - Great bloke. Loves a pie and a pint. Salt of the earth. Diamond geezer him. Lets me share his mic for harmonies and all that. Good source of cocaine too if I need it.
Voice - Well, what about Brian and Roger then. What's your beef?
J - Ever since I joined the band they've been picking on me. I came up with the bass line for Another One Bites The Dust and Under Pressure. Since then they've been calling me names. And Frankly I don't fucking like it.
Voice - What do they call you?
J - Bazza, Mitch, Barry. I can't figure it out. I've never done anything to them to warrant that kind of abuse.
Voice - OK - we'll publish.
J - Great - hopefully they'll stop as it's harming my reputation in the strip clubs around the UK - no one seems to know me.
B - Waddaya think?
R - Blimey - who was that?
B - That Barry Mitchell guy who played bass with us you idiot.
R - How odd. Bazza, Mitch, Barry? They were the names we used to call him because it's like his name, isn't it? Barry - Bazza. Mitch - Mitchell? What's wrong with this guy?
B - Perhaps he thinks he's someone else?
R - NO - I'd know him for sure.
B - Me too.