Here's a typical days listings.
0600: BREAKFAST WITH JOHN.
Start your day with the former bass player, shuffling around his kitchen in his bathrobe and slippers, planning the day ahead. This morning, John gets the kids packed lunches ready and wonders if he should bother washing the car as it looks as if it will rain.
0900: MORNING NEWS.
0901: DARK MYUTUTWO'S CARTOON CAVALCADE.
A whole hour of fit inducing animation accompanied by a badly mixed Queen soundtrack.
1000: QUEEN LIVE AT MILTON KEYNES.
Another chance to see the concert that like so many other fine performances by the legendary rock band, has never been comercially released but you are no doubt sick to the fucking back teeth of seeing.
1100: CAN'T SING WON'T SING.
Member of a studio audience are invited to throw £5 woth of groceries at the curly haired guitar god in a vain attempt to stop him singing in that pathetic nasal whine of his.
1130: QUEEN LIVE AT MILTON KEYNES.
Another chance to see the concert that annoyed you an hour and a half ago
1229: FLASH GORDON.
Big screen adaptation of the thirties sci-fi series in gaudy colours. Starring
Sam Jones, Max Von Sydow, Topol, Him off the Crystal Maze and that guy who used to be in Blue Peter.
Soundtrack by Queen.
Soap opera set in the fictional land of Queenzone. Today's episode sees Wstussyb celebrating his 7 millionth post but things take a turn for the worse when Charles Baer get's it on.
Swashbuckling adventure full of plot holes and dodgy accents. Starring a French guy as a Scotsman, A Scotsman as an Egyptian with a Spanish name and an American as a Russian.
Soundtrack by Queen.
1630: QTRL LIVE.
Mono nostrilled actress Daniella Westbrook who played the sister of the young lad in the Invisible Man video introduces an hour of classic Queen songs as requested by the general public. Unfortunately everyone picks Bohemian Rhapsody.
1730: BLUE PETER.
Classic episode of the kids magazine programme featuring the guy who got bitten by the tree monster in Flash Gordon.
Repeat showing of todays episode.
1830: EVENING NEWS.
Hopefully something will have happened as there are thirty minutes to fill.
1900: TOP OF THE POPS.
Special edition featuring Queen's performances on the hit chart show. Songs include Killer Queen, Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy, Las Palabres De Amor and lots of shite in between to fill the show out to an hour.
2000: SHAME ACADAMY.
Scores of naive youngsters make a complete cunt of themselves by performing cover versions of classic Queen songs in attempt to impress a panel of judges including Peter Straker, Wayne Sleep and some Turkish waiter who claims to have had a long standing affair with Freddie in the eighties.
Hosted by Freddie VTB.
2100: IRON EAGLE.
Second rate attempt to cash in on the popularity of Top Gun. Starring Louis Gosset Jnr and nobody else you will have heard of.
Soundtrack by a load of forgotten eighties bands but there is a snippet of One Vision in it.
Still fuck all to report.
2300: QUEEN LIVE AT MILTON KEYNES.
Third but not the last showing of Queens concert from the Milton Keynes Bowl in 1982.