26th December 2003
The Pearly Gates
(Bomi Bulsara is standing in a queue outside the Pearly Gates)
St Peter: Next.
Bomi: Hello, I wonder if you could help me. I died this afternoon and would like to enter the kindom of heaven.
St Peter: Certainly Sir, If I could just take a few details from you. Can I have your name?
Bomi: Bomi Bulsara.
St Peter: And could I have your religion please?
St Peter: Could you spell that for me please?
St Peter: OK, I think your on the top floor. Now I just need to know the name of your nearest next of kin who died last.
Bomi: That would be my son Farhook.
St Peter: And could I have the date of his death?
Bomi: The 24th of November 1991.
(St Peter clicks away on his keyboard for a while with a puzzled expression on his face)
St Peter: I'm terribley sorry Mr Bulsara but I can't find any record of a Farhook Bulsara who passed away on the 24th of November 1991. Are you sure of the date?
Bomi: I'm positive.
St Peter: Ok. I'll check again.
(St Peter enters the information into the computer again)
St Peter: I'm sorry Mr Bulsara but there is no record of a Farhook Bulsara in the Zoroastrian section.
(Bomi scrathches his head and thinks for a while)
Bomi: Try under Freddie Mercury.
St Peter: Freddie Mercury?
St Peter: Your son is Freddie Mercury?
Bomi: That's correct.
St Peter: Well bugger me backwards.
Bomi: Is there some kind of problem?
St Peter: Well it's just that I used to frequent a Queen message board on the internet called Queenforever and I was under the impression that God himself had sired Freddie.
Bomi: No I can assure you that he is my son.
St Peter: Well if you would just like to take a seat over there I will ring him down for you.
Bomi: Thank you.
(Bomi takes a seat while St Peter makes a phonecall. After a minute or so Freddie appears )
Freddie: Hiya Dad.
Bomi: Hello son, how are you?
Freddie: Oh can't complain, hows yourself?
Bomi: Surprisingly well for someone who died a few hours ago.
Freddie: And how are Mum and Kash?
Bomi: Yeah they're fine too. In fact your mother seems to look younger with each year that
passes. I reckon she's got another 60 years to go before she goes through puberty backwards.
Freddie: That's great. So tell me what's been happening in the world of Queen since I popped my clogs.
Bomi: Don't you keep up with things from here?
Freddie: You're kidding aren't you? All we get up here is Cliff Richard and Daniel O' fucking Donnel.
Bomi: Oh Dear, you'd better sit down son.
Freddie: Don't worry Dad, just so long as the lads haven't joined forces with some pseudo left-wing comedian to put on a west end show. Or worse, still teamed up with one of those flash in the pan boy bands in a pathtic attempt to pander to pre teen knicker wetters. Or God forbid done a commercial for Pepsi with some vacant pop bimbo.
Bomi: Er.... you'd better lie down son.