Forums > Queen - Serious Discussion > The Private & Personal Diaries of Freddie Mercury (1946-1991)

forum rss feed
Author

-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 06:02 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

EXTRACTS FROM THE PRIVATE & PERSONAL
DIARIES OF FREDDIE MERCURY (1946-1991)


DISCLAIMER
The following extracts from the private & personal diaries of Freddie Mercury (1946-1991) are entirely fictitious and although based on real events, 99% of what you are about to read is in fact complete bullshit. It never happened. I feel obliged to point this out simply because I have in the past written quite obviousley false accounts of Freddie's life that have been taken by certain gullible members of the Queen Fan community as the gospel truth and this in turn has lead to confusion, accusations of slander and the odd death threat.
So please bear in mind that what you are about to read is the combination of an over active imagination, eating cheese before bedtime, the use of non-prescribed drugs and the sincerest hope of bringing a smile to the faces of those who can take my stories with a pinch of salt.
Should you find any of the following stories offensive in any way, then please accept my sincerest apologies. Alternatively, you may feel the need to question your own perceptions of reality and if you are in any way offended by such ridiculous stories, the problem lies with yourself and not with me. So get a fucking grip.

Enjoy.


FOREWORD BY FATTY

1967 was an eventful year to say the least. While Israel and Egypt were engaged in the six day war, the U.S, Great Britain and the Soviet Union signed a treaty banning the testing of nuclear weapons in outer space. While the first ever human heart transplant was performed by Dr Christiaan Barnard, Elvis Presley broke a million hearts by marrying Precilla Beaulieu. In the United States, Detroit suffered from the worst ever race riots in lving history while Thurgood Marshall was appointed the first ever black supreme court justice. The Beatles released 'Seargant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Muhammed Ali was stripped of his heavy-weight boxing title for avoiding the draft and Scotland gubbed England 3-2 at Wembley ,an event made all the sweeter by the fact that England had won the World Cup only the year before. Ha Ha Ha Get It Right Up Ye!
Another event took place on September 5th 1967 and while it was unlikely to make the world's press sit up and pay attention, it was never-the-less an important day in the history of rock music.
For in a small semi-detatched house in Feltham, Essex, Freddie Mercury celebrated his 21st Birthday.
When Freddie came down for breakfast that morning he was greeted by sincere birthday wishes from his father Bomi, his mother Jer and younger sister Kashmira. There were cards and gifts from friends and family from as far away as India and Zanzibar. His mother and younger sister had even made a beautiful cake with the words 'HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY FREDDIE' in pink icing. Freddie loved birthdays and eagerly tore into the gifts piled high on the kitchen table. There was a fucking hideous jersey that his mother and father had given him. A Hi-Karate gift set (complete with soap-on-a-rope) from his sister. The next door neighbours had kindly sent him a record token with which he used to buy The Sgt Pepper album and his favourite auntie Sheroo, from back in India had sent him a hand made leather-bound diary. From 1967 until 1991, Freddie's aunt (assuming she was still alive, I don't fucking know.) sent him a diary every year on his birthday. More often than not the diary would be filled in with the dates of friends and families birthdays, doctors and dentists appointments and so on and so forth but on the odd occasion, Freddie would sometimes sit down and record the days events. often pouring out his heart and soul to the diarie's unjudgemental pages.
Soon after his death, I approached Freddie's family with the proposal of publishing his diaries. I was told in no uncertain terms to fuck off and never darken their door again. I pursued my quest by contacting Mary Austin who gave me the same reply, this time accompanied by a hefty boot up the ar

-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 06:03 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

29th OCTOBER 1977
Dear Diary
Flying out to New Orleans tomorrow for the launch of the new album. Will have to speak to the guy from Eletktra to see what he has planned.
F.M.

30th OCTOBER 1977
Dear Diary
Spoke to the PR man from Elektra this morning. The meeting didn't last long as the guy had to be taken to the Emergency Room to have his notes removed from his arse by a state qualified proctologist. We have over 500 people attending tomorrows launch and this silly bugger wants to hire a bouncy castle, a magician and a guy who makes model animals from balloons.
'Hey don't sweat it Fred,' he says to me 'there's gonna be party bags too. each guest will receive a signed copy of the album, a noise-maker, a party hat and a slice of cake.' He mentioned a couple of other things but his voice grew increasingly higher as the A4 folder was rammed further up his hole. No doubt the dogs at the local pound could understand what he was on about. I will have to get in touch with Stickells and see what I can do to salvage this whole sorry mess. What we need is naked female mud wrestlers, strippers, hookers giving blow jobs in tents, women who can fire ping-pong balls from their fannies and drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. I need to devise a plan whereby guests can help themselves to a noseful of charlie without having to crowd into the toilets. How about a butler serving bowls of cocaine to guests on a silver tray.....No. Have to think of something a little more original. Oh well never mind. I'm sure I'll come up with something. Well I'll have to sign off now as one of my favourite films is just about to come on. The Wizard Of Oz. I love those little munchkins......hang on....I think I might have something here.
F.M.

31st OCTOBER 1977
Dear Diary
I spoke to Stickells this morning and he assures me that everything is ready for tonights party. He loved the idea about the dwarves too. Well I have to go and get ready now but I will write about it tomorrow.
F.M.

11th NOVEMBER 1977
Dear Diary
For some unexplainable reason I cannot remember the past ten days. and I have no idea what country I am in. I'll write again soon.
F.M.


-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 06:04 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

3rd JANUARY 1979
Dear Diary
Had an idea for a song running around my head for a couple of days now. It's a sort of rock-a-billy tune and it has a kind of Elvis feel to it. I'm having problems with the chords though. Never mind though. I'm sure it will come to me.
F.M.

5th JANUARY 1979
Dear Diary
I am writing this from my hospital bed where I am being treated for burns to my hands and concussion. I had been working on that Rock-a-billy song all day and had all but given up for the night. I decided to have a soak in the bath when all of a sudden I had a great idea for a riff. I shouted for pheobe to bring me a guitar while I was still in the bath so I could try it out. I honestly thought he would have had the sense to bring me an acoustic guitar. The next thing I remember is a loud bang and I woke up in hospital.


-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 06:05 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

18th NOVEMBER 1984
Dear Diary
That arsehole Jim Beach phoned me at 4.00am this morning to ask if I wanted to appear on some shitty charity single. The whole thing is called Elastoplast or something and it's being put together by some Irish guy called Bob Godfrey (isn't he the guy that does Henry's Cat on kids telly?) and a minature Scotsman. They want to get a load of singers to record a single in aid of the starving children in Eastbourne or something. So far they have roped in Bananarama and Kool & the Gang.
I told him to fuck off and went back to sleep.
F.M.

25th NOVEMBER 1984
Dear Diary
Had a lie in this morning. Pheobe brought me breakfast in bed and the morning papers. Splashed all over the front pages were photos Phil Collins, Bono, Duran Duran, Boy George, Spandau Ballet and George Michael. It appears that they have got together to record a charity single in aid of the starving children of Ethiopia. Looks a dead cert to go straight to No 1.
How come nobody told us about it?
F.M.

13th JULY 1985
Dear Diary
Well today is the big day. There's quite a crowd in the house today and we are all watching the beginning of the concert on telly. I noticed Jim, Roger, Brian and Crystal sitting behind Charles and Di at the opening ceremony. I'll bet you a pound to piece of shit that Crystal is trying to get into Diana's knickers. Well the car is here to pick us up so I'll write again tomorrow.
F.M.

14th JULY 1985
Dear Diary
I think yesterdays performance is one of the finest we have put on in years. Ok so we were only on stage for twenty minutes or so but it went really well for us. Brian & I came back on later to perform 'Is This The World We Created?' and some twat fucked it up by doing a sound check during our set. Rest assured that bugger is now floating down the Thames with a guitar string tightly wound around his neck. When we got back we watched the whole show which Pheobe had videoed for us. Status Quo weren't too bad but Rick's nose looked a little odd. If he doesn't take it easy with the charlie he's going to end up with one big nostril.
Poor old Adam Ant wasn't exactly on top form was he. A performance as bad as that can send a guy doolally and I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up one morning and read in the paper that he had been flung in a looney bin for waving a gun around or something.
I will have to have words with Phil Collins and Howard Jones. I leant them my prized white grand piano for the show and they both had drinks sitting on top off it. Have these buggers never heard of coasters before? I think I'll send them a turd in the post.
Elton wasn't bad either but the guy who came on to sing with him was fantastic. I think his name's George Michael or something. What a voice and more importantly, what a body. It's a pity he's straight.
Bowie was on top form for a change. As a performer I like him but he has a bad habit of making a prick of himself with some symbolic gesture. I swear to god, if I ever get hit by a bus and killed and someone puts on a concert in aid of me, I don't want Bowie within a million miles of it. The twat would probabaly end up on one knee reciting the Lord's prayer or something.
On the whole it was a good day and we raised a lot of money for starving kids in Africa. We also discovered we enjoyed playing together again as a band. Tomorrow I'll ring the lads and we'll arrange to get together in the studio. We might even record a song inspired by Live Aid and then the good old fasioned British press can rip the piss out of us for cashing in on an African famine.
F.M.


-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 06:05 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

22nd NOVEMBER 1991
Dear Diary
Feeling pretty shitty today. Jim came around earlier and talked me into issuing a statement to the press confirming that I have AIDS. Fucking parasites have been camped outside for the past couple of weeks now and I can't even go for a walk around the garden without those maggots peering over the wall trying to get a picture.
Still it's not all bad news. That fat bastard Maxwell from the Daily Mirror fell off his boat and drowned last week. You would think a guy that resembled a whale would feel more at home in the ocean, wouldn't you? Let's hope Rupert Murdoch has some lion-taming lessons booked before I peg it.
F.M

23rd NOVEMBER 1991
Dear Diary
I feel worse today than I have felt in a long time. The statement went out last night and today's papers are full of it. Rick Sky from the Sun Newspaper kindly sent me an advance copy of my biography entitled 'The Show Must Go On' I glanced through it and reminiced on all the great times we spent together. The strange thing is I can't recall ever having met the little cunt.
Not to worry. I'll have one of my boys go round and break his thumbs for him.
Well I'm feeling a little tired now so I'll try and get some sleep and write again tomorrow.
F.M.

24TH NOVEMBER 1991
Dear Diary
Was it all worth it?

You better fucking believe.
F.M


-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 06:08 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

It would be unfair to dominate so much space with every enrty in Freddie's diaries (many of which are just birthdays, anniversaries and so and so forth) so from now on I will only post those entries that are requested by the fans.
Let me know what you want to read about and the date (so I can make it up.....I mean look it up)
and I will post what I find.

fatty.

Bohardy user not visiting Queenzone.com

Deity: 2447 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 06:40 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Well, Bo Rhap would have us believe Fred killed a man some time around 1975.

Do the diaries shed any light on this?


Gullibility and credulity are considered undesirable qualities in every department of human life -- except religion.
Daburcor? user not visiting Queenzone.com
Daburcor?
Deity: 9478 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 06:51 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

"That fat bastard Maxwell from the Daily Mirror fell off his boat and drowned last week. You would think a guy that resembled a whale would feel more at home in the ocean, wouldn't you?"

Damn... That Freddie really was a cold one wasn't he?

Great stuff fatty! LOL!


"Elton John and I became really good friends. I don't mean 'good friends' in that sense. I just mean we slept together." -Billy Joel
-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 08:53 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Bohardy> Oddly enough between the years of 1969 and 1973, Freddie mentions 5 seperate murders that he was involved in. Although he makes no link between Bohemian Rhapsody and the fourth murder, certain facts from the case files suggest it may have something to do with the song. The following extrct is dated as 11th February 1974.

Dear Diary
I am writing this with one hell of a hangover and a bad case of guilt. I went to a party last night and got smashed out of my head on drink and drugs, in fact when I opened my eyes this morning to look at the sky, I was unable to distinguish between real life and fantasy. I wish I could invent a hangover cure but that would take a degree in chemistry and a lot of funding. Unfortunately I am a relatively poor boy as is my family. Still, I have never felt the need for sympathy and I expect none.
Anyway back to last night's party. I got talking to a handsome young chap but the music was so loud we ended up going out into the garden to chat. He was very complimentary to me and said he admired my simplicity, the way I very easy come easy go. As we chatted he produced some cocaine and we snorted a couple of healthy lines each. Every time we started to get low we would take a line and get high again. I was chopping out a line when a light breeze picked up and blew about ten quids worth off the mirror. The guy I was with started shouting and swearing and generally throwing a wobbler about the waste of £10 worth of good quality ching. I pleaded with him to calm down and told him that at least the wind had blown the coke in his direction. He was still going mental and told me in no uncertain terms that it didn't matter which way the wind was blowing.
He was still stomping around the garden throwing a hissy fit and I knew I had to try and calm him down. I splapped him around the face but this just made him worse. He chased me back inside the house and I ended up having to hide in a cupboard.
It was while this lunatic was hammering on the door baying for my blood that I noticed a shotgun propped up in the corner. It must have belonged to the hostess's father who was a keen shooter. I armed myself with the shotgun, made sure it was loaded and opened the door.
The guy was still there threatening to puch my lights out so I did what any other sane, rational person who was ripped to their tits on coke did.
I put both barrells to his head, pulled the trigger and blew his brains all over the lovely Laura Ashley wallpaper on the hall wall.
Well a brutal murder with a shotgun is enough to dampen the spirits of any party and the guests began to disperse. I didn't fancy hanging around either so I thanked the hostess for a lovely evening, apologised for the mess and went home to bed.
When I woke up this morning and remembered the events of the previous evening I began to feel remorse and needed to speak to someone. I phoned Mum and told her everything. How I had killed a man, how I felt as though I had thrown my whole life away. I was scared in case the police came around, arrested me for murder and I would be hanged until Mum reminded me that hanging had been abolished in 1965. Mum was pretty cool about the whole situation then she put Dad on the phone. Dad isn't as calm in these kind of situations and I knew I was going to get a flea in my ear. By this time of course the coke was wearing off and I was getting shivers down my spine and my body was aching.
Dad as expected went mental. It's hard to understand the old fella when he gets into a strop. He's of Persian decent and starts using words I don't fully understand, like Basmillah, Scharamuche and Fandango. He even told me I was grounded for the next three weeks. I told him I was going on tour with the band then I heard my folks arging about whether they should let me go.
'Let him go' says Mum
'We'll not let him go' replies Dad
and this just goes on and on with them contradicting each other. In the end I screamed 'Let me go' and I could h

iGSM user not visiting Queenzone.com

Deity: 5001 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 10:02 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I wonder if there's anything in there about the hiring of that young upstart John Deacon.


...this kettle is boiling over...

...one dump...one turd...two tits...John Deacon...

...one prawn...one shrimp...one clam...one chicken!
Bohardy user not visiting Queenzone.com

Deity: 2447 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 10:09 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Brilliant fatty.

At last we can draw a line under that mystery, and put paid to all those other outlandish, and quite frankly daft claims as to what Bo Rhap was all about.

I'm also keen to know if Fred had any particular thoughts on the significant events here of 28/11/90?

I don't recall ever hearing what his political leanings were.


Gullibility and credulity are considered undesirable qualities in every department of human life -- except religion.
Panchgani user not visiting Queenzone.com
St Peter's Burnt Piano
Panchgani
Deity: 6374 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 10:43 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

What about the making of "It's a Hard Life" video, Freddie's first experiences in Japan in '74, or the writing of Death on Two Legs


Roger: I like it. If you don't. Sod you!



Queen song poll: http://home.comcast.net/~vantricers/index.html



B-52's: I, I, I'm lookin for some fun - waitin for the REAL Queen Box Sets to come
Nickipee user not visiting Queenzone.com

Champion: 95 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 12:02 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I've always wondered what he thought of that t-shirt Roger wore at Wembley, or indeed about Roger's solo "career".

Or why Brian took up with his parallel universe counterpart.

Or John's jumpers.....

Nicki


let me out of this cheap B movie
Brian_Mays_Wig user not visiting Queenzone.com
Brian_Mays_Wig
Deity: 2934 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 12:55 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Absolutely superb........I always wondered what was the thinking behing Johns BIG Radio Ga Ga hair. These diaries should be sent to Brianmay.com ;)


Chom own mudder fukker.
Janet user not visiting Queenzone.com
Janet
Deity: 3937 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 13:10 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I just knew that fatty's next 1000 posts would be just as wickedly entertaining as the first 1000!


-If you want the best seat in the house, you have to move the cat.





-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 14:43 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

11th JANUARY 1971
Dear Diary
Well here I am tucked up in bed with a steaming mug of Ovaltine and my beloved diary. Today we spent hours auditioning for a new Bass Player. There were four in all and if there's one thing I have learned about bassists, it's that they are all as dull as dishwater. The first guy looked as though his mammy had knitted him, ran out of wool for his ears and used a pair of socks. I swear to god he looked like a fucking spaniel. The second guy insisted on showing us slides from his holiday in the Isle of Wight. The third guy came in wearing a tank top and tartan bellbottoms and the fourth guy was so mind numbingly dull that Brian attempted to slash his own wrists before he had even started playing. It looks as if we are going to go with the third guy. I'm not sure if he is a qualified clergyman but his name is Deacon John, maybe he's a monk.
He can certainly handle his instrument but Roger has reservations about having a guy in the bans that makes John Selwyn Gummer look sexy. I explained to them that the duller the bassist looks, the more flambouyant we might appear. A major plus is that Deacon is a bit of a whizz kid when it comes to electronics. He might come in handy if we ever need a lightbulb replaced or something.
F.M.


-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 14:43 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

29TH NOVEMBER 1990
Dear Diary
Not much happening today. Had a band meeting concerning the Greatest Hits 2 album. I hate those kinds of meetings. Thank god there will never be enough material around for a third.
Most of the Newspapers are focusing on the departure of Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister. I have never been that political and I never bothered to vote but I like most sane people on the planet am glad to see the back of her. I met her in 1984 at some charity function or other. Well when I say I met her, what actually happened was I went into the gents lavatory and saw her standing at the urinal having a slash. She then washed her hands and left. She could wash her hands from now till doomsday but she'll never get the blood of the miners off them.
I have never heard of this new guy before. I don't know if he is a military man but I think his name is Major John. He looks a bit of a speccy twat and the weirdest thing about him is that he appears to have a moustache under his skin. Well that's all for today. I still have my medication to take and I want to write some more material for a possible posthumous album.
F.M


-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 14:44 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

EXACT DATE UNSURE 1984
Dear Diary
Well it seems as if I'm mister unpopular at the moment. We shot the video for our third single from the Works album today. 'It's A Hard Life'. I wrote the bloody song so I think it's only fair that I dictate what outfits we wear. I wore a sexy red number with ostritch feathers and a line of eyes running from my chest down to my pecker. The lads came into my dressing room and started pissing themselves laughing and said I looked like a giant prawn. I soon wiped the smiles off their faces when I showed them their outfits.
Brian's togged up in a skanky old brown fur coat that I picked up at a cancer research charity shop. The assistant assured me that it's previous owner was incontinent and had died in it. I bought the previous owner too and had her skull and thigh bone turned into a guitar.
I dressed Roger in a rather fetching black and white number which he didn't seem to mind until I showed him the ruff. He looked as if he's swallowed a pavlova and it got stuck in his throat.
As Deaky had laughed at my costume the loudest I made sure he got the worst of the bunch. Ha Ha .
It was supposed to look like a horse buthe looks like a fucking pantomime cow. He couldn't get the hat on though, he's still going through his afro phase. The video went without a hitch, apart from that fat cow Barbera Valentine standing on my foot and the lads walking around with faces like thunder. So now they're not speaking to me and calling me Mr Bad Guy....hang on that gives me an idea for a song.
F.M


-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 14:45 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

APRIL 1974
Dear Diary
This morning we arrived in Japan to kick off the tour. There were over three thousand fans there to greet us all screaming 'WE LOVE ROGER' 'WE WANT ROGER' ROGER IS ACE'. Well if Japan wants Roger they can fucking well have Roger. The country is one almighty shithole and I aint coming back.
F.M.


-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
Deity: 2029 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 20 Apr 04, 14:45 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

15th AUGUST 1974
John's birthday-remember to send card.

Dear Diary
I've been working on a song for the new album which deals with our ex-managers. It's hardly what you might call a cheerful little ditty in fact it contains references to the shameful and underhanded way they dealt with our finances. I have the framework of the melody and most of the lyrics but I'm struggling to come up with a suitable title. At the moment it's a toss up between 'Death On Two Legs' and 'Where The Fuck Is My Money You Dirty Theiving Bastards