In recognition of 1,000 posts I have great pleasure in presenting the first (and quite possibly the last) instalment of 'The Life & Times of Sr Archibald Leach.
The birth of Sir Archibald Leach
Sir Archibald Guffroyd-Smythe Leach was born on April 1st 1833. The son of Lord Montgomery Guffroyd-Smythe Leach of Clogshire (the famous Yorkhire industrialist) and Elsie Fartsmell (a cleaning lady).
Under normal circumstances, the bastard offspring of an illicit union between gentry and pleb would have been tossed into a sack with a batch of kittens and a heavy stone and thrown into the nearest canal. And so it came to pass that on the 2nd of April 1833, Perkins the gamekeeper introduced the infant Archie to Fuffy, Mr Tibbles, Sooty, Snowy, Tigger and a hefty boulder.
A short splash later, Perkins was on his way back to the big house. It came as something of a surprise to find the infant Archie with his tiny feet up in front of the fire wearing a rather fetching cat-fur romper suit and sipping a tall glass of the Lordhip's brandy.
Perkins explained the prediciment to his Lordship who after beating him to within an inch of his life, instructed Perkins to take the infant to the highest tower and hoy the bugger off.
It was with a heavy heart and a severely bruised arse that Perkins took young the infant Archie to the highest tower and lobbed the baby to it's certain death.
It would appear that good fortune did indeed bless the child for instead of hitting the cobblestones at a steady 33 mph (the basic requirements for turning a one day old child into a state resembling a deep pan pizza) The infant Archie was carried through the air on a light breeze only to land on the ample busom of Lady Pamela of Anderson, who at the time was sunbathing topless in the next door garden.
When Perkins arrived with the intention of scooping up the babies remains and feeding them to the pigs, he found the infant Archie sucking greedily from Lady Pamela's left orb.
Perkins went to fetch the master of the house and a sound beating later was instructed to bring the child to his Lordhip.
After a full hour of trying to prise the child's mouth from Lady Pamela's breast. Perkins enlisted the help of Tomkins the Gardener, Snodgrass the butler and Young Jake the gimp. Still unable to wrestle the child free they had to carry both Lady Pamela and the infant Archie to Lord Leach who was waiting in the courtyard with a loaded musket.
When his Lordship saw the child something stirred in his heart. Come to think of it when he saw Lady Pamela's heaving breasts something stirred in his britches, but that's a story for another day. Never the less his Lordhip knew that the establishment would never stand for a backstairs sprog inheriting the family estate and the problem had to be dealy with in a cold and calculated manner. Taking careful aim with his musket he shot a ball through Archie' cheek (the scar remains to this very day). Lady Pamela lost a nipple and the infant Archie rolled across the courtyard. The infant remained motionless for a second or two before sitting up and wiping the blood from his cheek. The like a rat up a drainpipe the infant Archie shot across the courtyard and affixed himself to Lady Pamela's right tit.
Lord Leach lowerd his musket and shook his head in disbelief. Surely God himself had decreed that the baby remain and raised as the heir to Lord Leach's estate.
Lord Leach picked up the baby (who by now had sucked Lady Pamela dry) cradled him in his arms and took him inside the house.
It wasn't until Dinner that his Lordship realised his wallet was missing and patting the empty pocket did proclaim......
'That's my boy.'