From the Sharon Hill Crier
(Hoboken, NJ) - It has now been revealed that John Deacon is really John Lennon in disguise.
When found out by reporter Jenna Toll, he said in his defense, "It was because some strange lady kept sending me watermelons."
A source close to the investigation said, "I always thought he had a shifty look about him, and it got even shiftier after he faked his own death. Who knows who Marc David Chapman really is?"
Deacon's bandmate, Brian May, stated on his website soapbox: "If we had John Lennon in the band, how come I had to write all the hits? Come on, man, that's just chickening out. I don't like it. And he said he didn't have a good voice. That liar."
Deacon's other bandmate, Roger Taylor said, "Wow, so we have two dead guys in the band... and I still can't get laid?"
The late Freddie Mercury was quoted as saying, "I thought something must be up when the poor dear wasn't in hell with me? Surely he didn't choose to go to heaven with the fundies and harp players? Oh dear, dear... Would you like to come to the Plaza with me?"
Deacon's wife, Veronica, declined comment on the matter, but yelled out the door of her limosine, "You can tell Yoko where to go! She can't have him! He's mine, bitch!"
Yoko Ono responded by saying, "Oh no, he wants this, you ho." She then began to compose a song entitled, "Veronica Deacon is a Big Fat Slutty Whore in G-Minor", composed merely of squeaking and squawking, along with banging a chicken bone on a piece of glass.
Deacon, through his publicist, has released the following statement:
"To my family, fans, and friends:
I would like to apologize for any confusion this may have caused you. But quite frankly, I got bored being me. When I read an ad for a guitarist, I responded, but I did not want to get the job simply because of who I was. So, I happened to pass my a church and I said, 'Okay, I will be John... Deacon.'
However, by 1980, some people were starting to get suspicious, so I faked my own death and reemerged as simply John Deacon. Any composition of mine that appeared on Hot Space was simply written to turn people off the track. Even Freddie did not suspect, as I watched him write a tribute to... me! That had to be one of the most interesting experiences of my life.
Well, I would simply like to say that I do not apologize to the press. The press suck and are evil, and that is why I am a recluse. I also enjoy getting laid, which is why I have eight children. I plan to make more, so please go away.
John something ending in N."
Deacon's neighbor, Yui Subarudich Baer had this to say, "John... I... want... you..."
Her husband, Charles, added, "I touched your penis good last night, and then I poo-pooed."
President George W. Bush requested that he not be blamed for this one.
Director Oliver Stone stated, "You see, here, this was all the product of a right-wing, homosexual thrill killing. The right does not want you to know about this. It is all a CONSPIRACY!" He then began to wave his hands in the air and accuse former President Nixon of killing his dog.
Presidential nominee John Kerry requested that people stop writing slash stories about he and his vice presidential candidate. "It's just not right," he said, "and it's not left, either."
Former Beatle Ringo Starr told the Crier, "Oh, dammit. This is going to cut down on my laid ratio by a major percentage. This is just not fair at all. Everyone wants to lay Paul, anyway... No one wants to lay Ringo. Someone lay me, please. It's just wrong."
Paul McCartney requested that his name not be mentioned in this article, and that the money was on its way. By the date of press, we have not received it, so we are mentioning him anyway.
George Harrison could not be reached for comment.
"Brian May, Freddie will."