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The Real Wizard user not visiting Queenzone.com
The Real Wizard
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Posted: 23 Jul 04, 14:58 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Damn, I'm pissed off... Fatty's posts in this topic were some of the funniest ever - especially the one about Roger wiping his turds.


"The more generous you are with your music, the more it comes back to you." -- Dan Lampinski



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Posted: 23 Jul 04, 15:05 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Q. What was Brian's longest word at Scrabble?
A. Musical.

Q. When taking a dump does Roger put toilet paper down first to avoid 'splash back'?
A. During an interview with the Daily Star in 1988, Roger freely admitted that he enjoyed the feeling of cold water around his ring-piece after a partcularly satisfying chod. He went on to say that he very rarely wiped after a visit to the bathroom, preferring to let it dry and go hard before chipping it off with a tea spoon.

Q. What did Freddie think of Gary Glitter?
A. During an interview with officers of the Metropolitan Police, Freddie denied ever having known Gary Glitter.

Q. Did John ever embezzle funds from Queen Productions?
A. No but he did steal an awful lot of office stationery.

Q.If Freddie is Buddha, and Brian is Shrek (from Shrek 2, not Shrek 1), and Roger and John are twin storks, how long does it take to fill Freddie's Koi Pond in August?
A. The answer you seek is written in octopus ink on the back of a cheap day return ticket to Instanbul.

Question for Fatty: Do you like Brian May????
A. I certainly don't hate him. Let's put it this way. If I saw Brian on fire, I probably would cross the road to piss on him.

fatty.


------


That's all I could get from my TEMP files :(

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Posted: 23 Jul 04, 18:48 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

test

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Posted: 23 Jul 04, 18:50 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Here we go folks:

It would appear that plans are afoot to introduce a F.A.Q section on Queenzone and I am all for it. I would also like to include a sub-section which deals with 'Infrequently Asked Questions' or I.A.Qs for short. Hardly a decade goes by without someone (usually Dark Myuutwo) raising a question that is rarely addressed in the run of the mill FAQs found on inferior Queensites (mentioning no names....apart for Queenonline of course) So here are a few of the answers to the questions you couldn't give a flying fuck about.
Q. What kind of shampoo does John Deacon use?
A. In the early seventies when John had long hair, he used a medicated shampoo with wheatgerm extract. By the end of the seventies he had switched to good old Head & Shoulders and used conditioner at weekends. These days John prefers Herbal Essance but will generally use whatever his wife buys.
Q. If Roger could be reincarnated as an animal, what kind of animal would he like to return as?
A. For years Roger wanted to be reincarnated as a tiger but he has stated on a couple of occasions that he might like to be a dolphin.
Q. How many pairs of clogs does Brian own?
A. Current estimates put the number somewhere between two and lots of pairs.
Q. Where can I get hold of Freddie's autograph?
A. Freddie stopped signing autographs for fans towards the end of 1991. It's best to try and buy one through a reputable dealer or you might find one on ebay.
Q. Does Brian enjoy the work of popular light entertainer Joe Longthorne.
A. Brian has a wide and varied love of music and does not dismiss other artists just because they are no longer the flavour of the month. That said, no he does not like Joe Longthorne.
Q. Where can I buy sunglasses like the ones Roger wears?
A. From a sunglasses shop or other reputable sunglasses dealers.
Q. What is the name of John Deacon's wife's nephew's brother-in-law's friend's uncle's nextdoor neighbour's dentist's sister's dad? And can I get his autograph?
A. David and no.
Q. What was Freddie's favourite cartoon?
A. Freddie stopped watching cartoons towards the end of 1991 but before then he was an avid fan of 'The Great Grape Ape' and 'The Hair Bear Bunch'.
Q. Why does Brian always appear to be in such a bad mood on his soapbox.
A. Brian is getting on a bit and it is not uncommon for the elderly to complain endlessly. If you catch him in the right mood however Brian will happily lean on the fence surrounding his large masion in Surrey and talk about the good old days while sucking on a Werther's Original.
Q. How many fingers does John Deacon have on his left hand?
A. Like most folks he has the standard amount of digits on his left hand. 5.


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Posted: 23 Jul 04, 18:51 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Q. Why doesn’t Roger Taylor live in an igloo on Clapham Common?
A. Roger bought a new house last year and seems perfectly happy to live there for the time being. He has not ruled out the possibility of ever living in an igloo on Clapham Common but he would require planning permission from the local council.
Q. I read in a biography of Freddie that he the reason for his large overbite was that he was born with too many teeth. Another biography stated that Freddie’s hair was difficult to manage because he had two crowns. Is it at all possible that Freddie was the more dominant of a set of seriously conjoined twins?
A. Yes.
Q. How much is Brian’s guitar worth?
A. Although the sum total of the parts of the guitar cost a mere £12.99 in new money, the guitar itself has been insured for £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Brian takes good care of his instrument and whenever he flies he pays for a seat next to him just for his guitar. He also has a special bed for the guitar next to his own. He feeds the guitar with a special spoon and can spend many a happy hour in his attic talking to it and stroking it’s long slender neck. I also have it on good authority that the guitar talks back to him and has on a number of occasions asked Brian to kill prostitutes with a big hammer that he keeps in his garden shed.
Q. Can Roger recite the Lord’s prayer backwards?
A. I believe he can but for his own reasons he prefers not to.
Q. Does John believe in Santa Clause.
A. On Christmas Eve of 1957, John came downstairs and found his father putting gifts under the tree. This shattered his beliefs and lead to a prolonged spell of bed-wetting. John is now fully aware that Santa Clause does not exist but being a father himself, he keeps his opinions to himself when young children are around.
Q. Freddie was a talented artist. Where can I buy an original painting or drawing of Freddie’s?
A. Freddie’s works are among the rarest in the art world and what few remain are safely locked away in the vaults of Ealing College. Mary held on to a few and she keeps them at her house in Garden Lodge. If you really want to get your hands on one I suggest you visit Garden Lodge between the hours of darkness and hang around the mews until no one is looking. You can use the drainpipe to gain access to the roof of the mews flat and from there you can get onto the wall. Be careful of the razor wire and broken glass at this point.
Once you are on the wall you can lean across and grab hold of the branches of the tree nearest the fish pond. Once back on the ground it is important to stay low as you are still visible from the houses at the back. Avoid the gravel path and hug the wall until you come to the third window from the French doors. Here you will find another drainpipe going all the way up to the roof. Moving as quickly and quietly as possible get up onto the roof and turn to the right. There is a skylight with a dodgy catch but it may have been fixed by now so bring something to break the glass.
Lower yourself into the attic then take the stairs down to the hallway. The second door down is Mary’s bedroom so you need to get in their quickly, shine your torch in her face until she wakes up and threaten to hurt her children if she doesn’t tell you where the paintings are. From there you can walk out the front door but don’t hang around to read the messages scrawled on the walls because Mary will have called the police by then. Anyway, the people who write on the walls of Garden Lodge are scum and you only encourage them by reading it.


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Posted: 23 Jul 04, 18:51 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Q. How many countries have Queen visited?
A. During their 15 years of touring, Queen are the only rock band to have visited every square inch of the planet. In fact so extensive were their travels that it is not uncommon for Rand MacNally or Ordnance Survey to call Roger, Brian and John when they get stuck with a bit on their maps.
Q. Did a dwarf really walk around with a bowl of cocaine on his head at the Jazz launch party in New Orleans.
A. Yes. The dwarf in question was a Scotsman by the name of Tommy (Totie) Reynolds who wrote about the party in his autobiography. Sadly Tommy died a few days ago.

A. In a recent study carried out by top boffins at some swanky university somewhere, the exact number of Brians it would take go around the world at the equator has been calculated at somewhere between 479 and probably quite a few more than that.
If on the other hand, Brian were to visit the Equator nightclub in South Clerk Street, Edinburgh he would soon discover that the nightclub burned down in the early eighties and this story isn't really going anywhere.
Q. Why didn't Freddie have his brain frozen like Walt Disney?
A. It was briefly considered but it would have meant throwing away the Xmas turkey to make room in the freezer and the idea was soon abandoned.
Q. Why is it called Bohemian Rhapsody?
A. Freddie was a heroin addict.
Q. Is it true that the surnames of each of the four members of Queen can be found in my dictionary?
A. Yes that is absoloutley true. Mercury meaning 'the liquid metal found in thermometers.' Taylor is a misspelling of the word meaning 'someone who makes suits of clothing.' Deacon can mean 'a clergyman of sorts' and of course May simply means 'wrinkly old sad-case who refuses to let go of the past .'
Q.Why did Roger drop his middle name
A. Roger dropped his middle name in the vain hope of being confused with the drummer of Duran Duran and being invited to more parties.
Q. If I was to start a Queen tribute band and I hired Flashman as the 'Brian' would I get sued by the real Brian if Flashy didn't wear the obligatory wig?
A. It is doubtful that Brian would sue a tribute band just because the lead guitarist didn't wear a wig. On the other hand it would probably be cheaper to hire the real Brian May to perform in your band, so long as he could put up posters for the musical wherever you played.
Q. Would a 'Roger' impersonator be ridiculed if he didn't wear shades all the time?
A. Yes.


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Posted: 23 Jul 04, 18:52 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Q. Was Freddie any good at naked Twister?
A. Freddie was a seven time world champion at Naked Twister and could easily have taken gold at the 1992 Olympics at Barcelona (had he not died and had naked twister been a recognised Olympic event). The only person ever to defeat Freddie at naked twister was ex-Queenzoner and pathalogical liar Supertrouper, although his claims have been dismissed as wishful thinking.
Q. Has John ever thought about sending Brian a postcard from the moon just to piss him off by getting their first and attaching a picture of Sir Patrick Moore who is also there and is now John's best mate?
a. John did give this careful conideration until it became clear that he would at some point have to leave his house. He abandoned the idea in favour of getting the Scalectrix down from the attic.
Q. Why did John change his hairstyle so often.
A. John Deacon suffers from a rare mental condition known as Waxophobia, an irrational fear of being immortalised by Madame Tussauds. He gets around this by having eight haircuts a week and hiding under his bed during daylight hours.
Q. Why do nutters like TED, Jake, and Charles Baer post on a board about a band they have no interest in?
A. Ted was lonely, Jake was sexually abused by his mother's many boyfriends and Charles Baer doesn't even exist outside Queenzone.
Q.Did Freddie come up with Crazy Little Thing Called Love by farting in the bath?
A. No. I suspect you may be thinking of the time John Deacon wrote 'Another One Bites The Dust'. In fact if you lie in the bath and break wind, by opening your legs at selected intervals it is possible to recreate the famous bass line from the song. You have to be extremely careful however because if you follow through and shit yourself it just sounds like 'Headlong'
Q.Does Brian take Enzyte?
A. Not having access to Brian's medical records, I am anable to confirm whether Brian does or does not take Enzyte. I can however confirm that for the past 10 years Brian has regularly been taking the piss.
Q.Are Roger and John really lesbians?
A. It seems highly unlikely as they are both male. The only member of Queen who could be mistaken for a woman is Brian, what with his long hair, slender body and his never ending whinging.
Q.Supertrouper, wasn't that the guy who played pinball with Brian?
A. He claimed to have played pinball with Brian, but if you look back over some of Supertrouper's earlier posts you will notice that he has also claimed to have been youth hostling with Elton John, bramble picking with Johnny Depp, taught Sean Connery how to drive, been best man at Andrew Ridgley's wedding and on one occasion he tried to conince us that he was no less than four of the contestants on the Australian version of 'Big Brother'. Most folks assume he has a rather vivid imagination. I, on the other hand like to think of him as a lying prick.


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Posted: 23 Jul 04, 19:33 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Would have been a good opportunity to put it in the proper section.

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Posted: 24 Jul 04, 16:25 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

"hooray. I am glad someone had copies..."

- thank goodness for temporary internet files!

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Posted: 24 Jul 04, 16:33 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

These are great; I'm glad they weren't lost. :D


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Posted: 24 Jul 04, 18:06 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Q. Who was Freddie's favourite host of the 'Generation Game'?
A. Freddie thought Larry Grayson was the best host of the 'Generation Game'.

Q. If Brian and John were taking part in a three legged endurance race, how long would it take them to run from John O'Groats to Land's End, running for 7 hours per day with every third day off?
A. Approximately 71 days,3 hours,44 minutes and 4 seconds.

Q. In all the time that Brian and Sir Patrick Moore have known each other, how many times has Brian used to word 'nipple' in a sentence?
A. Twice.

Q. When was Freddie 8 years old?
A. Following 12 months of being 7, Freddie turned 8 on the 5th of September 1954 and assumed the role of an 8 year old boy for the next year before becoming 9 on the 5th of September 1955.

Q. On the back cover of 'A Night At The Opera', there is a picture of a woman (or at least a very camp looking man) with a knife through his head. Is this a charicature of someone who annoyed Queen in any way?

A. When Queen recorded 'A Night At The Opera' at Sarm studios in 1975 there were no canteen facilities on the premises and when the band got hungry, they had to send someone down to the local cafe for food. One day a young girl called Helen Cooper, who was actually on a work experience placement from school was sent to the cafe to fetch among other things a cheese and tomato sandwich for Roger. When she returned to the studio almost half an hour later, not only had she forgotten Brian's Twix but she had bought Roger a cheese and pickle sandwich by mistake. As everyone knows, Roger cannot stand pickle and he went mad. He stormed out of the studio and refused to return until the absent minded girl was sacked. The studio engineer explained to Roger that as the girl was unpaid and there of her own free will, he was powerless to sack the girl. Roger soon relented and came back to the studio but from that day on he wouldn't so much as look in her general direction. We can only assume that it was Roger's idea to have a picture of a young woman with a knife through her head on the back of the album, although to be fair, Helen Cooper wore glasses and her hair wasn't so long.

Q. Did John ever star in a horror film as a guy with razors on his fingers and he kills teenagers in their dreams?
A. No. I think you may be referring to the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' films in which Robert Englund stars as Freddie Kruger, a child killer who was burned to death yet returns to stalk the nightmares of the children whose parents were responsible for his death. It is possible that you have mistaken Robert Englund for John as they are both very similar in facial features.

Q. Did Brian ever star in a porn film as a guy who gets turned on by fat women with ginger hair and ends up having oral sex with an orangutan?
A. Yes.

Q. Can you list in decending order the members of Queen with the most letters in their names?
A. Assuming that you meant thier whole names, they are Roger Meddows Taylor with 18 letters, John Richard Deacon with 17 and in joint third place are Freddie Mercury and Brian Harold May with 14 letters each.

Q. Did Jim Hutton ever go out with David Bowie?
A. No.

Q. Are you sure?
A. Well, I wouldn't say I was 100% positive but I have never heard anything to convince me that they did.

Q. I havn't got a copy of Jim's book handy but I could have sworn that he used to go out with David Bowie. Can you check?
A. I don't have a copy either but I think Jim mentions that he once cut Bowie's hair when he worked at the Savoy.

Q. Oh, hang on. I think your right. Yes. I remember it now. He did cut his hair at The Savoy didn't he?
A. Yes.

Q. How many sugars does Brian take?
A. One in tea and two in coffee.

Q. When Brian watches a video, does he fast forward through the trailers at the beginning?
A. It depends. Normally he does fast foward through them but every so often one will catch his eye and he may very well press play, go back a bit and watch the w

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Posted: 25 Jul 04, 07:02 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Q. Who was John's favourite page 3 girl?
A. Linda Lusardi.

Q. Has Brian ever considered getting a tattoo?
A. Being a keen astronomer, Brian once considered having the constellation of Casiopea tattooed on his back. He changed his mind when his ex-wife Chrissie told him he might look as though he had chicken pox. More recently he thought about having the poster for the musical 'We Will Rock You' tattooed on his forehead in an effort to boost flagging ticket sales.

Q. Who actually owns Garden Lodge?
A. The house itself was left to Freddie's cats and Mary is merely a sitting tennant.

Q. Is Roger Taylor related in any way to John Taylor of Duran Duran?
A. According to the bible we are all decended form Adam and Eve so the answer is yes. It is unknown whether they send each other Christmas cards however.

Q. Can I visit Freddie's place of birth?
A. Technically you can but there is little of any interest to Queen fans there. The goverment hospital in which Freddie was born is now a hotel and the maternity wing was pulled down to make way for a health club. The exact spot where Freddie emerged from his mother's womb is now a colonic irrigation room.

Q. Whatever happened to the costumes worn by Freddie in his videos?
A. Freddie's generousity was legendary and he donated a lot of his outfits to homeless charities. In 1994 I spotted a tramp in London wearing the famous prawn oufit from the 'It's A Hard Life' video. Most of the eyes were missing and there was a great deal of dried vomit down the front of it.

Q. How many children does John Deacon have?
A. Official records were only kept until 1985 and the true number is no longer known. It is estimated however that 38% of all UK child benefit allowances go straight to the Deacon household.

fatty.


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Posted: 25 Jul 04, 16:28 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Woohoo! Keep them coming! :)


Total Blam Blam
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Posted: 25 Jul 04, 18:46 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

the last one is my fave!


melinadeacon@queenzone.com
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Posted: 25 Jul 04, 19:28 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote


the one about brian and his guitar was a killer

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Posted: 25 Jul 04, 19:33 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

"Q. How many children does John Deacon have?
A. Official records were only kept until 1985 and the true number is no longer known. It is estimated however that 38% of all UK child benefit allowances go straight to the Deacon household."

Hahahahaha


...Erica*



"I don't judge others. I say if you feel good with what you're doing, let your freak flag fly."

--Sarah Jessica Parker
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Posted: 26 Jul 04, 08:18 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Hilarious =D

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Posted: 26 Jul 04, 08:35 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Brian, an orangutan and a porn film...... i think i got that one somewhere. Hmmmmmmm.


Chom own mudder fukker.
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Posted: 26 Jul 04, 10:50 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Q.Did Freddie come up with Crazy Little Thing Called Love by farting in the bath?
A. No. I suspect you may be thinking of the time John Deacon wrote 'Another One Bites The Dust'. In fact if you lie in the bath and break wind, by opening your legs at selected intervals it is possible to recreate the famous bass line from the song. You have to be extremely careful however because if you follow through and shit yourself it just sounds like 'Headlong'

...OMG i almost shit myself laughing at that one!


better sit back and go with the flow
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Posted: 27 Jul 04, 03:45 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I first read this topic while at work and I was laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes. I must admit, the customers and my colleague were a little dazzled..