Some one-liners for you (actually some may be two or three, but who's counting? And why?):
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening .. Self-raising?"
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into 'Boots' and punched someone in the face.
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
FLASHMAN STRIKES AGAIN!
Paul Rodgers is not the best thing since fried Fred.