On November 19th 1991, George Gavin Baxter (a freelance journalist with a hair lip and national health spectacles) conducted the last ever interview with Freddie Mercury in the living room of Garden Lodge. Sadly on his way home to Greenock, George died peacefully in his sleep while at the wheel of his car which was heading northwards on the M1 at 98mph. George was scooped into several plastic bags and the car (a green 1982 Skoda) was taken to Dalton's scrapyard in Glasgow where it lay undisturbed for the next 13 years.
On October 4th 2004, Mr Ted Smegma, a shopkeeper from Glasgow went to Dalton's Scrapyard to look for a wing mirror for his pale blue three wheeled disabilty car, the original having been ripped off by a gang of Rastafarian Queen fans outside his shop.
Finding a suitable replacement, Mr Smegma purchased the mirror from the scrapyard owner for the perfectly reasonable sum of £3,000. he even threw in an old car stereo to seal the bargain.
Back home, Mr Smegma realised that there was still a tape in the stereo and when he played it back he couldn't beleive his ears. He got in touch with me last weekend and I purchased the tape in exchange for a small bag of magic beans.
I will now post the transcript of the tape in it's entirity but before reading be warned that die-hard Queen fans may not like what they are about to read and should bear in mind that not a single word of this is the truth.
(Tape clicks on)
GGB: Okay, could you say something for the level?
FM: Is this going to take long?
GGB: That's fine. Okay this is an interview conducted by myself George Gavin Baxter and Freddie Mercury, lead singer with the rock band Queen. I'm sitting in the living room of Garden Lodge, Freddie's London home on Wednesday the 19th of November 1991.
Freddie, before we look back at your remarkable career can I ask you to scotch the rumours that have been circulating recently with regards to your health.
FM: Well between you and me George, and I would appreciate it if you could keep this to yourself until we release the statement on Saturday, I have in fact been diagnosed with AIDS and I don't expect to last another week.
GGB: So the rumours are true.
FM: I'm afraid so.
GGB: Can you tell us how you contracted the disease.
FM: I caught it from an infected needle while I was undergoing a medical in New York back in 1974.
GGB: So you contracted AIDS from a needle and not another man.
FM: Another man?
FM: How on earth could I have caught it from another man?
GGB: Unprotected anal sex?
FM: Are you implying that I drop anchor in Poo Bay?
GGB: You mean you're not gay.
FM: Of course I'm not. Where in God's name did you ever get that idea?
GGB: I'm dreadfully sorry it's just that I always imagined you we..
FM. Do I really come across as a jobbie jabber?
GGB: Well it's just that...
FM: Listen pal, I've been ball deep in more gash than you've had hot dinners.
GGB: I'm sorry I just always thought tha...
F.M: I mean for fuck's sake, what do you think Bohemian Rhapsody is all about?
GGB: Well that was a question I was coming to.
F.M : I'ts about a guy who catches AIDS from an infected needle while undergoing a medical in New York in 1974. I always assumed it was perfectly clear in the lyrics.
GGB: How interesting.
FM: There's hee-haw interesting about it, it's fucking obvious.
GGB: So how would you like to be remembered when you're gone?
FM. Well we discussed having some kind of memorial to me in the centre of London but to be perfectly honest, I'd rather the fans came here and scrawled messages on the walls outside.
GGB: What do you think the rest of the band will do when you're gone
FM: We have spoken about this and John is keen to tour as a three piece band with Roger and Brian sharing the vocals but Brian want's to concentrate on milking the fans for as much money as he can while at the same time dragging the band's good name throu