Forums > Personal > The Sad Sad Tale Of The Grasshopper and Coffee Table Leg.

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-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
-fatty- 2850
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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 19:30 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

The events I am about to speak of took place only a few days ago but the real story began way back in 1536, at a time when had you been standing in the shadow of Eilean Donan castle in Scotland, you might have seen young Conner McLeod setting off to do battle with the cursed Frasers and a large American gentleman who does the voice of Mr Krabbs in 'Spongebob Squarepants'.
Had this been the case then it would be fair to say that you, dear reader were almost certainly off your tits on some halucinagenic substance or other because the cast and crew of 'Highlander' didn't turn up until 1985.

Sorry, I'm sidetracking aren't I?

Like I said. he real story starts way back in 1536... Hang on. I'm not saying that, had you been standing in the shadow of Eilean Donan castle in 1536 you wouldn't have seen a young guy called Conner McLeod going off to fight the Frasers. You may very well have. I wasn't around back then so I can't really say that for certain, can I? What I am trying to say is that there is no way that the Frasers would be aided in battle by the guy who does the voice of Mr Krabbs in 'Spongebob Squarepants'. That would have to make him about 450 years old ar something. I don't know, you do the maths. The point I am trying to make is that the guy who played the Kurgan in Highlander couldn't possibly have been in that battle between the McLeods and the Frasers in 1536 and by 1536 I mean in real life, not a film that was set in 1536.

Oh for fuck's sake! Look. None of that has anything at all to do with the story I'm trying to tell you. Come to think of it I only put that bit in because this is a Queen message board and I thought that if it had a thin link to Highlander you might keep reading in the mistaken belief that this had something to do with Brian May or something. Now I've wasted so much time with that bit I havn't got the time or creative ability to tell you what happened back in 1536. Which is a shame really because it had some good swordfight bits and a couple of paragraphs of hot steamy lesbian sex. Ah well, never mind. Maybe next time eh?.

We now skip forward to Christmas Day 2004 and sitting all alone in his two bedroom council flat on the 13th floor of Septic Tank Towers in the far of land of Queenzone...

Oooooh now you're interested aren't you? So it's a Queenzone story is it? Fatty hasn't done a Queenzone story in ages. You know the ones where he turns you into a one dimensional character and gives you a couple of lines. You like those don't you? You like to see your name up there on the monitor, don't you? It makes you feel a little bit special doesn't it? To think that some fat bastard on the other side of the planet knows enough about you to stick your name in one of his shitty wee stories yet doesn't know enough about you to use anything really hurtful against you. That makes you feel pretty fucking special doesn't it? God you make me sick. You make me so fuc..................

Lester Burnham user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 19:35 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Captivating! I held on to every word like a grasshopper holds on to a coffee table leg.

Oh wai

Pluto user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 19:38 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

lol


I’ll kick and scream or kneel and bleed

I’ll fight like hell to hide that I’m giving up

-Bright Eyes

Another Travelin' Song
-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 19:40 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Well I've taken my brain medicine and I really would like to get back to the story about the grasshopper and the coffee table leg.

So there on the 13th floor of Septic Tank Towers in the far of land of Queenzone....

Hang on. I'm really sorry about this but I feel I ought to apologise for the earlier post. I was just tapping away at my keyboard there and my brain went down a wee street I normally try to avoid. Come to think of it, I have been known to get off the bus a couple of stops early and take a long walk to avoid that particular street in my head. But I assure you I'm okay now. I love all you Queenzoners out there and I promise that everyone at Queenzone will get a mention in this story.

So back to the grasshopper and the coffee table leg.



Lester Burnham user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 19:44 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

This truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

Janet user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 19:46 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

*waits patiently*


-If you want the best seat in the house, you have to move the cat.





-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 19:53 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

It was Christmas morning...actually it was getting on for almost 3.00pm but thats because you bastards keep putting me off.

It was 10 minutes to 3.00 on Christmas day and sitting all alone in his two bedroom council flat on the 13th floor of Septic Tank Towers in the far of land of Queenzone was a little Grasshop........

Sorry, can I just stop for a second. When I said that everyone in Queenzone would get a mention in this story, I may have been writing cheques that my arse can't cash. Whereas I will endevour to give as many regular posters on Queenzone a mention, I may through no fault of my own neglect to mention a few posters who, to coin a metaphorical phrase may have flown benath my radar. If in the end I do forget to give you a mention then be assured there is no malice in this. You may, for example steer clear of the personal section of this message board and only ever frequent the file sharing or news sections. These are forums I rarely visit so I may not be familiar with you. So I apologise again.
Although come to think of it, if you never bother with the personal section why the fuck are you reading this tripe? Go on. Fuck off back to your hub torrent or whatever the fuck it's called and don't come back.........

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 19:55 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Sometimes I get the feeling as if they're making this stuff up as they go along!! Is this real did it really happen..........???...bated breath....


Shake it Sugaree
-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:10 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...my medicine tastes like peaches.

So the crocodile was sitting all alone in the living room of his two bedroom council flat on the 13th floor of Septic Tank Towers in the far of land of Queenzone.

Crocodile?

Sorry about that. There are no crocodiles in this story. I must have been thinking about the story of the crocodile and the 10% off coupon which can be used in all branches of Woolworths on any item with the exeption of stamps, phonecards and gift vouchers, which is a great story but there are no Queenzoners in it.

So the grasshopper was just settling down to watch her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II give her traditional Christmas Day speech to the Commonwealth on his 22 inch Grundig black and white television.

What's wrong?

Too much detail?

Tolkien used a lot of detail when he wrote The Lord of the Rings and it certainly didn't do him any harm. No of course I'm not comparing myself to Tolkien, although we are both published authors.

What?



Brimon user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:12 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Can I ask a question.

Will you get to the hot steamy lesbian sex action sometime tonight?

If not, I'll go to bed.

Yours, with trousers round the ankles.

Bri.

jericho05 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:14 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Fatty is Queenzones's Tom Robbins.

That is a GOOD thing.


Shake it Sugaree
-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:17 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I think I may have taken a little more than the daily recommended dose of the brain medicine and the label states quite clearly that I shouldn't operate heavy machinery. I don't know heavy this computer is but I wouldn't like it dropped on me from a great height so it's heavy enough.

To cut a long story short, the grasshopper was having a shit Christmas until all the Queenzoners chipped in and he had a lovely day.

As for the sad bit and the coffee table leg. Well what happened was that on Boxing day he was going out to the shops when he found a coffee table lag lying on the pavement. The grasshopper picked it up to throw it in a nearby skip and was shot eleven times by the Queenzone police armed response unit who mistook the coffee table leg for a gun.
This was quite topical in the UK a couple of years ago but it means fuck all to anyone else.

goodnight and god bless.

fatty.

iGSM user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:22 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

So what happened to the furnace?


...this kettle is boiling over...

...one dump...one turd...two tits...John Deacon...

...one prawn...one shrimp...one clam...one chicken!
jericho05 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:25 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

He mentioned everyone!
He said "all the Queenzoners"!!
I'm honoured!!


Shake it Sugaree
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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:30 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

But the furnace! What happened to the furnace!!!???


...this kettle is boiling over...

...one dump...one turd...two tits...John Deacon...

...one prawn...one shrimp...one clam...one chicken!
Brimon user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:37 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Never mind the fucking furnace, what about the lesbians.



iGSM user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:39 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

See this is the problem with you people! You have been ignoring the furnaces for thousands of years and all you can say is 'where's the lesbians?'. I am disappointed.

I'm also quite mad! SPING!@


...this kettle is boiling over...

...one dump...one turd...two tits...John Deacon...

...one prawn...one shrimp...one clam...one chicken!
Lester Burnham user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:43 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

The lesbian burned herself on the furnace.

There, are you happy now?

Brimon user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:53 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

No. That has to be the worst lesbo story, I have ever heard.

Though nevermind, it did the trick.
Thanks Lester.

iGSM user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 30 Dec 04, 20:54 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I've never been happy. Except for that time that I invented the continent of Weyland Yutani.


...this kettle is boiling over...

...one dump...one turd...two tits...John Deacon...

...one prawn...one shrimp...one clam...one chicken!