I wish I could take credit for these but like eggy I nicked them from another forum!
A few male chauvenist jokes (sorry ladies):
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None - It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was' Always'
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
It's called a Wedding Cake
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
And now some proper ones ;o)
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? One - he holds the bulb & the world revolves around him.
Why are men like carpets? Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do
Yes, it's me. I'm back.
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on a disk somewhere