"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger."
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"Why's the alphabet in that order? Oh, it's the song."
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose."
All by Steven Wright. Funniest dead..pan comedian ever. I actually cried myself to death once at the locking his keys out of his car one and the leg falling asleep during the day. Funniest thing ever.
...this kettle is boiling over...
...one dump...one turd...two tits...John Deacon...
...one prawn...one shrimp...one clam...one chicken!