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Flashman user not visiting Queenzone.com
Flashman
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Posted: 22 Jun 05, 17:38 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Dropped my guts in public today and it was worse than cattle's business. I kid you not - it could have come from the Devil's own arse, that bastard - the air was so thick you could see it.

Now, I wasn't dragged up, well, not much. I've made the best of my life considering my father's doolally and my mother's long since dead, rot her. But one thing I try not to do is fart in polite company.

Fair enough in front of your pals after a few quaffs - you can make a game of it. 'Name That Tune' being the pick of 'em.

But one thing I would never normally do, unless taken by illness or perhaps great rage, is let one rip when there's folk getting about their daily business. It's not big and it's not clever.

So, I checked my surroundings, spotted a quiet corner where probably nobody has strayed since the late Jurassic and shuffled over, attempting to make walking from the knees down appear the most normal thing imaginable.

Just arrived in the nick of time, had a final quick glance to check the coast was clear, grabbed a drainpipe for leverage, and let loose. It was fabulous! Like giving birth to a brown Angel - sheer bliss.

Bloody typical - I didn't have time to even sniff the air to guess the vintage when a young lady marched straight over and enquired of the time.
Well, I think that's what she was enquiring. What she actually said was 'Excuse me, have you got the ohforfuckssakeyoudirtybastard', before spinning on her heels and charging away wafting one arm theatrically about and holding her snout with t'other.

A cracking piece she was as well. I'd have given her wind from t'other end in different circumstances, given half a chance. But I've blown it now. Literally!

Bloody people. They shouldn't be allowed out, half of 'em.

Don't you agree that they should all be shot? At least for a bit? Okay, just the French then?

And the Turks, of course.



FLASHMAN STRIKES AGAIN!



Paul Rodgers is not the best thing since fried Fred.
doremi user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 22 Jun 05, 18:15 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Barry © wrote:

You know the old phrase 'Wether church or chapel let it rattle'

Keeping them in is bad for you.


LOL! You could implode!


xyz
Sir Archie 'Tiffany' Leach user not visiting Queenzone.com

Royalty: 1331 posts
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Posted: 22 Jun 05, 19:08 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I'll never forget that Christmas Flashy when you tooted three choruses of 'Mistletoe and Wine'.

We begged you to stop you rotten bastard...


Nancy Astor : "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee".

Winston Churchill : "And if I were your husband I would drink it".
Brimon user not visiting Queenzone.com

Bohemian: 571 posts
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Posted: 23 Jun 05, 04:49 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

At least you did'nt follow-through, Flashy.

LOL.

geeksandgeeks user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 23 Jun 05, 12:40 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Flashman, the modern-day Joseph Pujol.


God wants you to send me some money.



"Seven spades doubled, vulnerable, making seven? You BITCH."
Flashman user not visiting Queenzone.com
Flashman
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Posted: 23 Jun 05, 15:08 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Joseph Pujol indeed.

I can think of no more fitting an instrument than your arse, with which to perform 'La Marseillaise'.


FLASHMAN STRIKES AGAIN!



Paul Rodgers is not the best thing since fried Fred.
Lisser user not visiting Queenzone.com
Lisser
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Posted: 23 Jun 05, 19:41 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Better in than out is what I always say.

This is my favorite thread to date btw.




Wo ist das kamerahhhhhhhhhhh!!!



NJ!!!























Lisser user not visiting Queenzone.com
Lisser
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Posted: 24 Jun 05, 10:32 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Barry © wrote:

Flashy, the only way i have found to let off a huge fart and to be able not make it smell to high heaven is to light it. They give off a blue and purple coloured flame. Only thing is you have to watch your fingers don't get burnt.


Or your butt hair!! Not that I've ever lit my ass on fire but my brother and his friends used to do it all the time and my brother caught his butt hairs on fire. It was hilarious but the smell of burnt hair mixed with an already rancid fart tops the cake.


Wo ist das kamerahhhhhhhhhhh!!!



NJ!!!























Erin user not visiting Queenzone.com
Erin
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Posted: 24 Jun 05, 10:47 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Flashman wrote:

It was fabulous! Like giving birth to a brown Angel - sheer bliss.


*LOL*!

Lester Burnham user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 24 Jun 05, 11:06 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

This gives a whole new meaning to my original stance on Flashy: ''Flash could fart in a thread and I would enjoy it immensely.''

_amadeus_ user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 24 Jun 05, 19:25 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

And now you know the REST of the story...


Nobody is always a winner, and anybody who says he is, is either a liar or doesn't play poker.
The Real Wizard user not visiting Queenzone.com
The Real Wizard
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Posted: 25 Jun 05, 01:43 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

All time top-5 QZ thread.

I laughed for a good minute there.



"The more generous you are with your music, the more it comes back to you." -- Dan Lampinski



http://www.queenlive.ca
Bob The Shrek user not visiting Queenzone.com
Bob The Shrek
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Posted: 25 Jun 05, 04:26 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

My Mum is pretty lethal in the trouser trumpet department, the range of tone she can achieve is legendary. When she is out of hospital and fully recovered we are hoping to get her back into the studio to do a follow up to her debut album 'Sounds of the Serengeti' ;-)


Cleveland May 24 to June 4th 2007 - I came, I saw, I fucked off home again.
Bob The Shrek user not visiting Queenzone.com
Bob The Shrek
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Posted: 25 Jun 05, 07:13 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Will know more on Tuesday, Barry. Docs will operate on Monday to remove as much of the tumour from the brain as they can and it will be another 10 days before they know for sure whether it's malignant or benign.

A bit pissed off that it has taken nearly 2 weeks to diagnose this, originally they thought it was just a mild stroke.

I am back down to London tomorrow morning.


Cleveland May 24 to June 4th 2007 - I came, I saw, I fucked off home again.
Bob The Shrek user not visiting Queenzone.com
Bob The Shrek
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Posted: 25 Jun 05, 10:22 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Cheers Barry, I will pass on your best wishes.

I will make sure you get a signed copy of her next album 'Did I Just Fart Or Has A Cow Just Shit'. 50mins of farmyard fun.


Cleveland May 24 to June 4th 2007 - I came, I saw, I fucked off home again.
Janet user not visiting Queenzone.com
Janet
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Posted: 25 Jun 05, 10:40 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Robert, you should print this out and show it to Maureen, she will wet herself laughing!!!

:-)


-If you want the best seat in the house, you have to move the cat.





Flashman user not visiting Queenzone.com
Flashman
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Posted: 25 Jun 05, 11:28 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Hope all goes well, Bob lad.


FLASHMAN STRIKES AGAIN!



Paul Rodgers is not the best thing since fried Fred.