1. You have decided to pay a visit on your dear old silver-haired grandmother. You knock on her door but there is no answer. Fearing the worst you have a look through the downstairs window but there is no sign of her. You hear faint noises coming from the open upstairs bedroom window and begin shinning up the drainpipe. You are now able to observe your dear old silver-haired grandmother being spit-roasted by two enourmously well endowed black gentlemen. Do you...
A. Fall backwards in a state of shock and land on the concrete some 20 feet below, sustaining a shattered pelvis and a broken wrist?
B. Assume she is being raped and devise a plan to save her?
C. Become disturbingly aroused and knock one out while still clinging to the drainpipe?
2. To escape from a swarm of angry bees you take refuge in a sex shop in which the air conditioning unit is faulty. While opening the door, some of the angry bees manage to follow you inside so you pick up the nearst thing to hand and begin swatting them. The angry bees avoid your frantic swipes for a while but after a few minutes you have managed to dispatch. You listen at the door for signs of buzzing outside byt the coast seems clear. You emerge from the shop sweating and gasping for air with a rolled up copy of Milky Ring Monthly in your hand and run straight into your mum. Do you...
A. Explain about the angry bees whilst trying to ignore the look of pity and disappointment on her face?
B. Punch her squarely in the face with all your might and hope that this causes a temporary case of amnesia?
C. Say "I know this looks bad but wait till you hear about Nana."?
3. A farmer has to get a chicken, a fox and a bag of grain across a river, but his boat is only big enough to ferry the farmer and one other item at a time. What would you do?
A. Advise the farmer to buy a bigger boat.
B. Politely enquire what he intends to do with the animals and grain once he has taken them across the river where a film crew and two young girls of Eastern origin.
C. Advise him to take the grain across first then begin laughing hystericaly as the fox rips the chicken to shreds while the farmer franticly back to shore.
4. You find an injured bird lying in the street. It looks as though a cat has had a go at it and not likely to survive much longer. Would you...
A. Take it home and try to make it's last moments as comfortable as possible.
B. Wring it's neck. There's no point in prolonging the inevitible.
C. Enjoy watching it suffer and invite passers by to have a look as well.
5.Christmas is coming and you go up into the attic to bring down the decorations. As you move the Christmas tree you discover that Osama Bin-Laden has been hiding behind it for the past 11 months. You immediately reach for the phone but Osama explains that you too will be taken into custody for harbouring a known fugitive. You consider this for a while and crazy as it may seem, you are going to have a hard job explaing why the leader of Al-Qaida managed to live in your attic for ten months without you noticing. At the very least you can excpect to spend a year or two wearing an orange jump suit at Camp X-Ray while tyhey sort things out. Would you...
A. Inform the relevent authorities and take your chances with the American judicial system.
B. Pretend you never saw him and hope he finds another hiding place soon.
C. Buy him a gimp suit and give him to yourself for Christmas.
6. Given the choice, which two side vegetables would you eat with human flesh?
A. Peas and carrots.
B. Broccolli and sweetcorn.
C. Potato and turnip.
7. You are babysitting a five year old child for your next door neighbour. A little later on, the child informs you that his father has a man with a beard chained up in the attic. Do you...
A. Assume that the child must be referring to Santa Clause, what with Christmas just around the corner and think nothing more of it.
B. Assume that if there's a man chained up in the attic there