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John S Stuart user not visiting Queenzone.com
John S Stuart
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 00:39 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

This chav is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries
"That wis fur for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.". She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says "whit wis that fur?"

"Your horse phoned!" she said.


A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's kidd-on wir married!"

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket!" as he turned aroon an farted hertedly.


A Glesga woman form Glasgow's West End was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman!


A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." (Pieter you listening...?!!!)

The mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!"


A middle-aged married couple are having a long-lie in bed before church on a Sunday morning.
The wife showers, enters the bedroom naked, and looks at herself up-and-down the full length of the mirror on the wardrobe door.

Depressed the wife turns around to the hasband and says; "I'm gettin old, I'm gettin fat, 'n am gettin ugly. Go gizza compliment".

The husband instantly replies... "But Yir eyesights still bliddy good!".





"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
Lester Burnham user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 00:53 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

No offense meant, John, but aren't you up rather early (or late, I'm not quite sure what time it is over there)?

And I must say, these jokes make me proud to be of Scottish descent.

John S Stuart user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 01:01 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Lester Burnham wrote:

No offense meant, John, but aren't you up rather early (or late, I'm not quite sure what time it is over there)?

And I must say, these jokes make me proud to be of Scottish descent.


Yes - very bad routine. I don't sleep now. I doze two or three hours then awake. Then I fall asleep in the afternoon. My arm is still sore from the physio, and the pain seems to be worst at night.

Should be OK when I get back to work, and a good routine.

Being Scottish, I can of course get off with telling such stupid stories!


"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
YourValentine user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 05:17 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Very funny :) I know why I postpone my Scotland trip from year to year, it's the fear not to understand a word, lol. Although I have a friend from Edinburgh who speaks English for foreigners...


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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 06:09 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I think it's just the west of Scotland accent which confuses everyone.

And the Fife accent, dear god the Fife accent is the strongest.

Examples:
'Do ye kin there's a wappy n thi kitchen'
Translation: Are you aware that there is a wasp in the Kitchen?

'Ye kin whits happenin emorn?'
Translation: Do you know what is happening tommorow?

'Kut telt us'
Translation: Kathrine told me.




Crazy Little Thing Called Love....
-fatty- 2850 user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 07:15 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

It just so happens that my second book "A Smack In The Pus" goes on sale today and contains a plethora of slang Scottish phrases, bad grammar and spelling mistakes. It's available in all good bookshops and quite a few shitey bookshops too at £5.99 and if you buy one I promise that I won't spend all the royalties on prostitutes and drugs.

Incidently, if you see a book called "Nedworld" (also published today) which contains most of the jokes at the top of this page, the illustrations were by yours truly. You don't have to buy that book though. I've already been paid for that.

Happy reading
fatty.

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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 08:12 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Hey fatty did you happen to see Scunnered when it was on?

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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 09:22 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I did see Scunnered and have to admit that I was rather offended that they never gave me a free plug for the book. Never mind though, as soon as I've tracked down Craig Hill's home address, I'll send him a turd in the post.
I know he didn't produce the show but I really cannot abide the fucker.

fatty.

John S Stuart user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 09:22 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

PieterMC wrote:

Hey fatty did you happen to see Scunnered when it was on?


An excellent programme. I take it your dad sent it to you?

Do you get "Still Game" too?


"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 10:05 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

John S Stuart wrote:


An excellent programme. I take it your dad sent it to you?


Yeah my Dad stuck it on a DVD for me. Thought it was pretty good. Not sure if Erin understood more than 5% of the program :-)

Didn't get Still Game. What was that?

John S Stuart user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 10:46 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

PieterMC wrote:

John S Stuart wrote:


An excellent programme. I take it your dad sent it to you?


Didn't get Still Game. What was that?


http://www.play.com/play247.asp?pa=search&searchtype=r2title&searchstring=still+game&page=search&Go.x=30&Go.y=5

The good thing is that it has no Karen Dunbar!


"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 11:24 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Ahh..just thinking of that first time I got on a bus in Glasgow with you, Pieter. The bus driver started talkin', and I know I turned around and gave Pieter that deer in headlights look. Didn't understand a word that came outta the guy's mouth..;-) I think I'm slightly better now. I'd venture to say I understood 10% of that "Scunnered" show...

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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 11:29 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Erin wrote:

Ahh..just thinking of that first time I got on a bus in Glasgow with you, Pieter. The bus driver started talkin', and I know I turned around and gave Pieter that deer in headlights look. Didn't understand a word that came outta the guy's mouth..;-) I think I'm slightly better now. I'd venture to say I understood 10% of that "Scunnered" show...


Definitely 9%, not 10%!!


Wo ist das kamerahhhhhhhhhhh!!!



NJ!!!























Erin user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 11:31 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Lisser wrote:

Definitely 9%, not 10%!!


Ya dinnea kin fit we're talkin' aboot, do ya??

This is for you, Melissa:
http://john.pettigrew.org.uk/blog/images/Haggis.jpg

YourValentine user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 12:49 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Of course we all noticed how casually you ignored the "husband story", Pieter :)


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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 13:09 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

YourValentine wrote:

Of course we all noticed how casually you ignored the "husband story", Pieter :)


Say what now? :-)

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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 13:20 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Is This Your Way Of Takeing Your Piss Out Of The Scottish Because I AM Scottish Myself


I Like the auidence To Be Part Of The Show So When They Sing I Love it

F.M 1986 wembley
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 13:24 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I am Scottish, so is John S Stuart and so is Fatty

Erin user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 14:27 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

So is Fat Bastard and Scrooge McDuck..:-)

John S Stuart user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 27 Oct 05, 16:52 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Erin wrote:

So is Fat Bastard and Scrooge McDuck..:-)


You forgot Mrs Doubtfire!


"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."