This chav is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries
"That wis fur for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.". She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says "whit wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's kidd-on wir married!"
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket!" as he turned aroon an farted hertedly.
A Glesga woman form Glasgow's West End was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman!
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." (Pieter you listening...?!!!)
The mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!"
A middle-aged married couple are having a long-lie in bed before church on a Sunday morning.
The wife showers, enters the bedroom naked, and looks at herself up-and-down the full length of the mirror on the wardrobe door.
Depressed the wife turns around to the hasband and says; "I'm gettin old, I'm gettin fat, 'n am gettin ugly. Go gizza compliment".
The husband instantly replies... "But Yir eyesights still bliddy good!".
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."