A Glesga Bird goes tae the social to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the civil servant.
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant..
"What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec ".
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naw..." says the girl "its great because if there out playin' in the street, ah just have to shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW an' they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"That's easy," says the girl...
"Ah just use their surnames"
A Glesga bird walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"Ah'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Another Gelsga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing.
She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen and Prince Phillip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor,but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back.
"It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said,
"That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."