"Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly."
I have started a few fires while wearing women's clothing.
"Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a ball."
Rummaging in my garden may also turn up the bodies of eleven women who went missing between the years 1988 and 1994
"You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses."
I like stroking horses.
"The most embarassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad."
The most embarassing thing that happened to me as a child has been repressed and is out of reach to even the most highly skilled Hynotherapist.
"The smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity."
No, they're just easier to fit up your arse.
"Some days you see lots of people on crutches."
People on crutches turn me on.
"Every bloke has at some stage in his life flushed half way through taking a pee and then raced against the flush."
I like to take things a step further by masturbating in the toilets of an incontinence clinic with the door unlocked.
"Old women with mobile phones look wrong!"
Yes, but when you've battered one to within an inch of her life in order to steal her pension, you have to leave her with something to call an ambulence.
"It is impossible to look cool while picking up a frisbee."
You can if you use a J.C.B.
"Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited."
Is exited the same as aroused?
"You never ever run out of salt."
That reminds me. I have to go the shops.