A step in the right direction!
JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE CITIZENS OF THE U.S.A. : ..............
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly
you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn
to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know"
is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore,
you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show
you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with round-
abouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly
$6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried
in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good guys. Hollywood will also
be required to cast English actors to play English characters. W
"It is better to sit in silence and have people think you're a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt"