Forums > Personal > This I love, and about time..

forum rss feed
Author

Togg user not visiting Queenzone.com
Togg
Deity: 2393 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 07:44 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

A step in the right direction!


JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE CITIZENS OF THE U.S.A. : ..............



In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,

we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.



Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states,

commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for

further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated

next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with

immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly

you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn

to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix

"ise".

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know"

is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.



There is no such thing as US English.

We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".



You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.



July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.



You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that

you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing

someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore,

you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.



All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show

you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with round-

abouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.



The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly

$6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those

things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried

in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.



The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper

British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance

will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so

that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.



Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good guys. Hollywood will also

be required to cast English actors to play English characters. W


"It is better to sit in silence and have people think you're a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt"
AspiringPhilosophe user not visiting Queenzone.com
AspiringPhilosophe
Royalty: 1711 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 10:23 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

I've read this before, and granted it's very funny (I'm a huge Monty Python fan)...but John didn't write this. Just so you know, but whoever did write this is a great comedian!


Formerly MHG
bobo the chimp user not visiting Queenzone.com
bobo the chimp
Deity: 12703 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 11:33 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I'm pretty sure someone else did write that, indeed - but you know, I can almost hear Cleese reading it out. Hehe.


"Your not funny, your not a good musician, theres a difference between being funny and being an idiot, you obviously being the latter" - Dave R Fuller
Donna13 user not visiting Queenzone.com

Royalty: 1683 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 11:44 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

"A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed."

This is the funniest line to me.

banjokingbenice user not visiting Queenzone.com

Rocker: 34 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 11:55 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

"Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour."

That's my favourite.

And I read it in John Cleese' voice too.

iGSM user not visiting Queenzone.com

Deity: 5001 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 12:51 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

It was me that wrote that. Prove me wrong, I says.


...this kettle is boiling over...

...one dump...one turd...two tits...John Deacon...

...one prawn...one shrimp...one clam...one chicken!
YourValentine user not visiting Queenzone.com
registered July 27th 2001
YourValentine
Deity: 7611 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 15:09 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

"Your new prime minister, Tony Blair"

this is the funniest part .. Tony Blair


I do not want any google ads here.

blerp user not visiting Queenzone.com
blerp
Deity: 2438 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 15:33 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

"Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it."

I've always wanted to bring that up in chemistry class, just for a bit of controversy.

"At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables."

Yet again, science courses would be so much easier. (eh...xD)


I'm so pissed I could spit.
Lisser user not visiting Queenzone.com
Lisser
Deity: 4794 posts
add to buddy list send PM

Posted: 19 Oct 06, 18:54 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I enjoyed that thoroughly!!! Why do we (Americans) pronounce aluminum wrong? I guess it is just taught that way.

Loved that though, thanks Togg, as usual...great post!


Wo ist das kamerahhhhhhhhhhh!!!



NJ!!!