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SK user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 16:34 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Nice stuff man, but don't feel like you have to ryhme. Poetry isnt about ryhming, and I think your work would be a lot more freehweelin' if you let those shackles off mate. Cheers.

Gone. user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 16:43 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I think it's truly lovely...;_;

danny1 34933 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 16:57 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Not bad steve, you need to finish it, but then what the hell do i know about poetry!

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Jake
Winter Land Man
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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 17:08 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Metal Head wrote:

I wrote a poem (an unfinished poem) a couple of days ago. Just wondering what you think of it...
One last thing, I'm new to writing poetry, so don't make fun of me please...

Here it goes:

I woke up this morning
And I couldn't stop mourning
Oh how I could die trying
But I couldn't stop crying
It hurts to much, but I must do it
I must face my fate, not just forget it

If I could wish upon a shooting star
I would ask for a land a far
Where love glistens with the sweet sound of honey bees
A place for all, no matter one's creed

But that's just a dream; now back to reality with all its greed
And all the whiplash and all its fake creed
I'm scared of the world and all its anger
Oh how we've forgotten that little manger



Ohhh yeahhh

I'd re-arrange it and write some music to it and then sing it, but make sure it's being recorded!


"Please buy my upcoming album... I need the money"
Carol! the Musical user not visiting Queenzone.com
Carol! the Musical
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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 17:08 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

SK<h6>Bob Dylan>Queen ;)<h6> wrote:

Nice stuff man, but don't feel like you have to ryhme. Poetry isnt about ryhming, and I think your work would be a lot more freehweelin' if you let those shackles off mate. Cheers.

Ditto to that. It sounds like your poetry is tied up and in chains.. I just get the impression that it was a big struggle to get all the rhymes out, and it needs to sound more f-r-e-e!
But nice job!


-Things Have Changed For Me-
SK user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 17:37 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

<font color=660066>Fredlilah<h6> wrote:

SK<h6>Bob Dylan>Queen ;)<h6> wrote:

Nice stuff man, but don't feel like you have to ryhme. Poetry isnt about ryhming, and I think your work would be a lot more freehweelin' if you let those shackles off mate. Cheers.

Ditto to that. It sounds like your poetry is tied up and in chains.. I just get the impression that it was a big struggle to get all the rhymes out, and it needs to sound more f-r-e-e!
But nice job!


Ah yes, it sounds forced. Exactly.

SK user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 19:51 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Primer mi carucha, chevy 39
Going to el monte legion stadium
Pick up on my weesa, she is so divine
Helps me stealing hubcaps, wasted all the time


^---Good example of what Poetry can be

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blerp
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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 20:12 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Biscuits on the table,
Good day!


I'm so pissed I could spit.
I&hearts;The80's user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 21 Nov 06, 20:13 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Wonderful poem! Wow! You're so talented!!! :D


I is Tamara. ;)



>_> I'll stop changing my name now....



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