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John S Stuart user not visiting Queenzone.com
John S Stuart
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 13:33 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

The Patented John S. Stuart Healthy Living Programme

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ........ Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is so good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride.

Any subscribers?



"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
Ale Solan user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 13:51 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?

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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 13:54 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

John S Stuart wrote:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride.


This is one of my favorite quotes ever. My friend repeated a variation of this to me a few years ago, and I've lived by it since.

That said, I'm already a happy subscriber, so I'll just weigh in with my support to this system. It really works!

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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 13:58 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Oh...It would appear I've wandered into a "man's thread"

I'll just take my scale and leave.

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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 13:59 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Alex Solan? wrote:

I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?


You want X-large, XX-large, or the most popular XXX large?

(And no XXX IS a size - and not a pornographic grading system!)


"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 14:11 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

**laughes**
That is brilliant!
I'll have to remember this when I'm in my cardio variety aerobics class tonight and I'm ready to kill my instructor.
However, it is kinda funny that this stuff is fine for guys to do, but no guy wants to be with a girl who subscribes to this theory, because she won't be very "attractive"



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Ale Solan user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 15:08 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

John S Stuart wrote:

Alex Solan? wrote:

I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?


You want X-large, XX-large, or the most popular XXX large?

(And no XXX IS a size - and not a pornographic grading system!)


I'm already XL so I'll be looking forward to get a XXL. Cheers.

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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 15:34 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I think I might put in a subscription too.


Mind you, I don't think I need it. I'm fresh as a daisy already.

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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 15:38 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

John S Stuart wrote:

Alex Solan? wrote:

I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?


You want X-large, XX-large, or the most popular XXX large?

(And no XXX IS a size - and not a pornographic grading system!)


I've been using your system for years, yet I'm skinny as hell :D See? It works!


Not Plutus but Apollo rules Parnassus

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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 15:59 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

{Submitted question}
The Patented John S. Stuart Healthy Living Programme

Q: Is smoking a good way to lose weight, or do I really need to lose weight?


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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 16:25 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Micrówave wrote:

Q: Is smoking a good way to lose weight, or do I really need to lose weight?


Mr. Microwave: Tobacco is just good for you - period - whether you wish to lose weight or not. End of discussion.

BUT THIS TELLS ME YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING!!!

Tobacco is a p-l-a-n-t. And a plant is still a vegetable. How could more vegetables be bad for you? You don't need to be a Doctor to figure that one out - duh!!!

PS: Having just looked at your profile pic I now see that you meant taco - rather than tobacco smoking.
Well this is still good. Have you not heard of a mixed vegetable diet - so smoking tacos still works.
Personally though, I think you need to visit an optician - let's be honest here - misreading the word 'TobACcO' for 'TACO' must be a sure sign for new spectacles in anybody's language;-)



"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 16:26 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Alex Solan? wrote:

John S Stuart wrote:

Alex Solan? wrote:

I do suscribe. Any T-shirt or related merchandising for being the 1st one?


You want X-large, XX-large, or the most popular XXX large?

(And no XXX IS a size - and not a pornographic grading system!)


I'm already XL so I'll be looking forward to get a XXL. Cheers.


ONLY XX-L?

My god - you on a diet or something?


"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 16:58 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Remember, you can't spell Diet without

DIE!!

Ale Solan user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 18:06 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

John S Stuart wrote:

ONLY XX-L?

My god - you on a diet or something


I think you forgot an important subject in your programme: a girlfriend/couple/wife/lover.
I'm a bit worried about my girlfriend and about the fact she wouldn't find me any more attractive if I go further in your Healthy Living Programme.

Note apart: she's an "anti trans fat" person. Shame on her, right?

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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 18:28 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Alex Solan? wrote:

John S Stuart wrote:

ONLY XX-L?

My god - you on a diet or something


I think you forgot an important subject in your programme: a girlfriend/couple/wife/lover.
I'm a bit worried about my girlfriend and about the fact she wouldn't find me any more attractive if I go further in your Healthy Living Programme.

Note apart: she's an "anti trans fat" person. Shame on her, right?


But if you lose weight, won't there be less of you for her to love?
I guess she wouldn't want this - right?


"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 19:42 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

CMU HistoryGirl wrote:


However, it is kinda funny that this stuff is fine for guys to do, but no guy wants to be with a girl who subscribes to this theory, because she won't be very "attractive"


Pffft. Real men are metrosexual men.


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We got the Cosmos rockin'!

We got the Universe rockin'!

We got the Cosmos rockin'!

We got the Cosmos rockin' to the mighty power of rock'n'roll!
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Posted: 01 Feb 07, 21:51 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

John S Stuart wrote:

Micrówave wrote:

Q: Is smoking a good way to lose weight, or do I really need to lose weight?


Mr. Microwave: Tobacco is just good for you - period - whether you wish to lose weight or not. End of discussion.

BUT THIS TELLS ME YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING!!!

Tobacco is a p-l-a-n-t. And a plant is still a vegetable. How could more vegetables be bad for you? You don't need to be a Doctor to figure that one out - duh!!!

PS: Having just looked at your profile pic I now see that you meant taco - rather than tobacco smoking.
Well this is still good. Have you not heard of a mixed vegetable diet - so smoking tacos still works.
Personally though, I think you need to visit an optician - let's be honest here - misreading the word 'TobACcO' for 'TACO' must be a sure sign for new spectacles in anybody's language;-)




nicotine is also soothing, anger makes the heart rate go up, tobacco has nicotine (well cigarettes anyway), so more cigarettes= calm heart, less spazzy stressy people.


ive been a fan of mr stuarts program for years. even tho i cant smoke :-p


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Posted: 02 Feb 07, 09:59 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

<font color="lime">Raf840 wrote:

CMU HistoryGirl wrote:


However, it is kinda funny that this stuff is fine for guys to do, but no guy wants to be with a girl who subscribes to this theory, because she won't be very "attractive"


Pffft. Real men are metrosexual men.


You're trying to find an excuse for shaving your ass?


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Posted: 02 Feb 07, 11:19 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Finally..a diet I can stick to! Thanks for the advice, John!