SCENE: Freddie's bedroom, sometime in April 1991. Freddie's sleeping peacefully. Brian, John, and Roger walk in.
Brian: "Hey Freddie."
(Freddie doesn't wake up. Brian rolls his eyes and pokes at Freddie. Freddie wakes up.)
Freddie: "Zuh! Porkchop sandwiches!" (He looks at the circle of his bandmates) "Hey, what're you all doing here?"
Brian: "We want to go on tour."
Freddie: "Huh? What do you mean?"
John: "We've decided we're going to make you go out on tour in support of Innuendo. Just a few shows. Rehearsals start tomorrow."
Freddie: "Um, don't you guys remember when I told you I have AIDS?"
Roger: "Yeah, so? Brian had herpes once, and he still played."
Brian: "I keep telling you, Roger, it was hepatitis, NOT herpes!"
Freddie: "Look, I'm running out of energy, I can only record two days a week. You guys know that!"
John: "So? We still want to tour."
Brian: "Our album has slipped down to #2."
Roger: "We can't allow that to happen! We need to be back on top, like we've been since the beginning of February!"
Brian: "C'mon. How sick are you REALLY?"
Freddie: "Pretty sick, actually."
(They all scoff. Roger mentions herpes again. Brian elbows him in the ribs.)
John: "Look Freddie, we love you, but you're being really selfish here. Think of the fans! Think of one fan, who goes by the name of, oh I don't know, innuendo1990, who, in sixteen years' time, will just OBSESS over your final days, and will ask the absurd question as to why you didn't tour?"
Roger: "We need a good answer to that! And not just, 'Oh, I've cut my finger and I can't play piano', or whatever your sob story of the week is."
Brian: "C'mon, get out of bed, you old tart. We want to play, and we're going to play, end of story."
(They all start to yell at Freddie.)
Freddie: "Look lads, I'm not doing it, I can't do it, and I won't do it! Can't you find someone else? What about Elton John?"
(Brian, Roger, and John ponder this.)
John: "He's too busy recording 'The One'."
(They all think.)
Freddie: "Oh, I've got it. George Michael."
Brian: "Mm, I don't think he'd be up for it. I don't want to play 'I Want Your Sex'. We might as well play 'Body Language'."
(Freddie looks hurt. They all continue to think.)
Roger: "Robbie Williams."
John and Brian: "Who?"
Roger: "Dunno, I thought it sounded like a real name."
Freddie (exasperated): "Look, I don't give a fuck what innuendo1990 has to say about this, I'm not touring! You could get, oh I don't know, fucking Paul Rodgers to tour in my place, alright? Now get out and leave me alone!"
(They all start to leave.)
John: "Don't forget Freddie, we've got that video shoot next month for Roger's song about you dying."
Roger, to Brian: "Paul Rodgers, eh? What do you think of that, Bri?"
Brian: "It'd never happen. Not in a million years."