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KillerQueen840 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:07 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I hate myself for posting this here. But I can't get this out of my mind.
I've never come to anyone for moral support. Not in person, not online. Never.
But I've reached an all time low. I rarely post personal shit about me. Especially don't like posting things that are real personal and close to my heart.
But my day's been so bad today. I don't know what to do. Each hour that goes by makes it all worse. Crying's been getting me no where.
I've went to feeling emotionally torn to physically starting to feel the effects with a killer headache. I feel lightheaded. I hope I pass out...make up for the sleep I've been missing out on.

I am completely aware of what a pathetic joke I'm making myself out to be. Just don't remind me.

You don't know, but I was on vacation in South Carolina this week. With my family, aunt, uncle, cousin, and grandparents. I'm still supposed to be there now. Of course we had to leave after my grandfather's body was flown back on Monday. And I'm fine with that. We're lucky to have stayed as long as we did. But while I was in SC, I had so much to do to keep my mind away from everything.
Now, I've had too much time to think. And my level of stress and sorrow is getting the better of me. I have so much homework to make up. So much studying I need to be doing. I can't do any of it. I can't concentrate on anything.

I posted this on my myspace for my family. I'm not even going to bother editing it.

It'll be weird for you reading it, especially since it was aimed at a completely different audience.

Honestly, I'll be surprised if you've read this far.

I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do anything for more than five minutes at a time. I've never felt so desperate. And so selfish.

See next post for my blog of what took place on April 14th, 2007.


"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy."

(Jim Rohn)
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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:09 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

FOREWORD: I don't know if I'm making a mistake posting this here. I'm doing it because I want to get it out of my system. I think any relative who wasn't there and wants to know exactly what happened has the right to know. And seeing how half a million of you (my cousins) have a myspace, this is probably the easiest way. If you really object and think I'm a stupid fuck for doing this, I will gladly delete this blog just for you. Keep in mind this is from my perspective, and what I remember. If things are not quite right, which there are bound to be a few flaws because I was not at all places at once, it's just how I remembered it happening, from where I was. In the midst of panic, my brain naturally tends to fog up details.




This is what happened... We woke up pretty early in Virginia at the hotel we stayed at. I can't even tell you the name of the place because I don't remember, but frankly don't care. The night before Grampa didn't eat much...I think he had a few bites of a subway sub...but that wasn't a surprise because he hardly was eating before. He didn't eat supper either, as far as I know. But I don't blame him. We had shitty bojangle crap for dinner. On our way down to Virginia, he only got out to use a restroom one or two times--as opposed to the rest of us fueled by coffee, soda, and water that needed to stop at least a good eight times. When the incident happened, this led me to think at first when he was taken away that maybe he was just dehydrated. Anyhow, I'm getting off track, and I apologize. We left Virginia, and headed straight down to South Carolina. Didn't stop much, just wanted to get out at South of the Border. He stayed in the car. We all felt great seeing palm trees and feeling the warm breeze. But he just stayed there. He was quite cranky the whole ride down, but that is completely understandable.



We get to the beach house a few hours later. He sat down in the recliner near the door that led to the outside deck He asked for food. I was really happy to hear him wanting to eat. Grammy asked if he wanted a boost or his sub. He said something along the lines of, "Damnit Mother, how I am I supposed to eat and have a Boost?"



Grammy: "I asked if you wanted your sub or a Boost." Grampa: "Give me one of them."




(Sorry, if I wrote this a couple of days earlier, I'd be 100 percent sure of the exact dialouge, but this is pretty close).



Grampa ate a lot of his sub. He even had coffee and a leftover cinnamon bun thing from the hotel after. I was really happy and thought that the change of scenery was doing him a lot of good. After that he left and went into his bedroom downstairs (the same area as he was before, anyway) to take a nap. My parents, Aunt Wendy, Uncle Vinny, and Grammy (since that's all of the adults minus Grampa, that's how I'll refer to them as for the sake of saving time) decided to go out, and get some groceries.



This part doesn't matter, but if this is going to be a full story, I'm including it to put some time that passed in perspective: Brie, Garr, and I went outside for a bit to look around. Brie went tanning, Garr and I were in and out. Unloaded a bit. Garr and I eventually rejoined Brie, went for a nice walk. Had some fun with a washed up Easter Egg. We came back inside looking for food. Made some popcorn. Watched tv. Called up Geno. He just got there. Made plans with him to come over. Hung up. Flipped the channel and watched some of the end of The Shining. Jeff called. We talked on speaker phone for a bit. He was in the airport leaving Florida to go back to California. He was bummed out. We were conversing on how we wished he was here, blah blah. He had to leave cuz his flight was boarding or something.



"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy."

(Jim Rohn)
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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:10 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Grampa walks out. He's awake and I immediately get up, because I was sitting in the comfortable recliner he was in before he took his nap, and I figured he'd want it. He asks who's winning (refering to the Red Sox game). I said, "Oh here, we can change the channel." Grampa: "No, you don't need to." I think Brie changed it for him. Someone did, because the channel was changed. Previously, I was just off the phone with my parents, found out they'd be home in ten mins. So we gave Geno a call back and told him it'd be all right to come. As we told him that, Garr and I stepped outside to talk on the phone. I get bored, come back inside through the sliding door near Grampa.



I hear a terrible noise that sounds like snoring, only on a greater level of magnitude. I see Brie across the room freaking out. I look over at Grampa. His head is jerked back over the chair. His feet are stiff and flung out in front of him. Tensed, and straight. His mouth is wide open. He can't breath.



There's no need to describe that in any more detail. It's fucking hard writing that, and must be even worse having to read it.




I look back at Brie. I can't move. I've never been in a situation like that before. I was so shocked and freaked out, I had no idea what to do. I couldn't even move despite how badly I wanted to. I just stood there. Brie snapped me out of it when she frantically said, "WHERE'S THE CELL PHONE!?" "GO OUTSIDE!" (we were expecting the adults to get back at any minute). While Brie called 911 on both cell phones, I flung the door open and ran downstairs to the garage level. We were lucky. The adults just got back and were unloading Grammy's van. I told him to hurry and get up. They stopped a bit, and looked at me. They must've been shocked, too. Freaking out, and wishing they'd just run up the stairs, I pleaded: "MOVE YOUR ASS. ITS GRAMPA." They dropped the groceries. I believe it was Uncle Vinny that ran up first. Everyone followed in pursuit. Brie and Garr came out. The three of us waited outside for the ambulence. My mother also called 911 on the house phone. The operator was annoyed and told Brie there were three calls coming from the house.



It felt like forever waiting. I don't know why they were so slow. While we were outside Uncle Vinny and my dad were trying to recessitate Grampa, get him to repsond, anything. My mum joined us outside. She said that Grampa was swearing. We were relieved he was responding. We were sitting at the picnick table out front. I sat on the same bench as Brie. Uncle Vinny came out and sat between us, and put his arms around the two of us.



First the fire truck ambulance truck thing arrived. They couldn't be any more slow. I was ticked. The guy ran in. I guess he put an oxygen mask on Grampa and did a few other things. Finally more vehicles came, and they took Grampa out on a stretcher. Grammy joined the man in the front seat. They were off to Waccamaw hospital. A few minutes later, my dad and Aunt Wendy took our car and followed them.



We stayed to put back groceries. My nerves, along with everyone's, were pretty high. After a few minutes to cool down. I felt a bit of relief when my mum suggested maybe he was just dehydrated judging by how little he drank and how slow the medics were in taking him back. I thought that made enough sense.


"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy."

(Jim Rohn)
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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:11 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Just as I started to feel relief, the real alarm struck. We got a phone call from Grammy at the hospital saying Grampa became a lot worse. She needed someone down there with her. We all immediately ran into the van. I went upstairs first to grab my sneakers, and quickly jumped in the van to put them on as we drove. We got lost on our way to the hospital. Finally, we stopped at CVS and asked a random person in the parking lot for directions. We quickly left and got there in a decent amount of time.



Walking in to the hospital and seeing Grammy and everyone in a wreck struck hard. I sat down next to Garrett. I heard Grammy talking in a low voice to my father that she was asked if the time came, whether she wanted Grampa on life support or not. That really hurt her. My father tried to comfort her. She opted not to, and I completely agree with her choice. We sat there. Grampa was getting progessively worse. Garrett started crying. Seeing him cry made me cry. I put my arm around him and we both cried. Everyone was crying at this point. We were all a wreck. This became the longest day and night of our lives. An hour later when it was decided by the doctors that he had no chance at all, and was dying quickly, Grammy was allowed in. At first almost no one could go in to see Grampa. They were taking turns. It got to the point where it was so bad they were letting all of us in if we wanted. My dad asked my brother and I if we wanted to see Grampa one last time. After thinking about it for a while, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted my last memory of Grampa to be a happy one. I did not want to see my own Grandfather die right in front of me. Still unsure, I asked my father if Grampa would know if I was there or not. I felt terrible, and if he wanted people there I should go, but I knew it'd haunt me if I did it. My dad told me that Grampa was unconscious, and that if we went he wouldn't know. He said if we go it should be because we wanted to. After struggling, Garrett decided to go. I was firm that I couldn't handle it, and stayed back. Brie was thinking along the same lines as me, and she stayed back to. Her parents really wanted her to go, but she didn't want to see Grampa go out in such a manner.


I started crying again.




It was so bad, Aunt Wendy had to come out a few times before going back in.



At several points, it was just Brie, my mum, and myself sitting outside. My dad came out urgently askign me if I was sure I did not want to go in. I said yes. I told him I was firm, although his constant asking was making me more uncertain. He went back in. A priest was in there giving Grampa his last rites. My dad came back out. Grampa died. I immediatley looked at the cell phone. It was 9:12 pm. We sat there and cried more.



Later my dad told me that the priest was going to mention him in all the Masses the next morning. I thought that was kind, but I wasn't sure if the priest was just saying that to make us happy.



After his death things calmed down a bit. Brie decided to get some coffee upstairs, I wanted to go with her. We went together, got lost. Came back, went back up the stairs again. Looked down and Garrett joined us. He was still a wreck. He asked why we weren't crying anymore, how we could be so calm. We comforted him. Told him what we were doing, told him to come with us. He started to feel better. We finally found the damn room with the coffee machine. It was dark. That's why we didn't know if it was open. It was a kids room, too. There were some toys, and one of those tables with sand, and magnetic things to pull shit around in it. The three of us just sat there, and fooled around with it for a bit. This is what sticks out in my memory the most about that night. Just sitting there, in an empty dark room. Playing with this weird toy. Retreating to such a stupid thing. But I never felt a greater sense of calm. That room with the coffee machines, alone with Garr and Brie was wha


"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy."

(Jim Rohn)
KillerQueen840 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:11 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Now that vacation is over reality is back. You probably know, but I will say it again for reassurance. Grampa was on a lot of morphine. He died quick, and we were assured in as little pain as possible. The morphine helped. Also, the last thing he knew when he died was that the Red Sox just scored a home run. He was in a beautiful location, got to see some real spring weather, and his favorite team was up. I don't think he could've asked for anything better when he passed. Later the next day we checked, and the Red Sox won that game.



I guess half the reason I wrote this is for myself. I don't want to keep thinking about it. I want to get it out of my system and hope it goes away.


Brie, if you have anything to add to this story or clarify, feel free.



I must say, Brie, you helped a lot. I told you a few times already, but I'll say it again. If you didn't take charge and give directions, I would've stood there dumbfounded. I am glad you were there. If it wasn't for you, it probably would've been quite a bit longer til help arrived, despite the adults just getting back. I was scared to even look at Grampa, but you did everything right to see if he would respond. I know you played a huge role, Garrett and the adults may not have been there at first to see, but I know it and want you to know it.



I think that's all I can cover. I would like to apologize for how badly I butchered this.

Rest in Peace, Grampa.


"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy."

(Jim Rohn)
KillerQueen840 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:11 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Wow.

I can't believe how long this fucking thing is.

I'm sorry.


"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy."

(Jim Rohn)
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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:18 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

There's no need to be sorry. Sometimes getting the words out is necessary, even if it is on a notice board.

I'm sorry for your loss.


DJ's the man we love the most
Nathan user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:20 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Don't be sorry. You did right to post these messages and share your grief with your friends. Doing that might make things a little easier for you. I wish to express my heartfelt condolences to you and your family at this time. I will remember you all in my prayers.

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:20 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

if you put it in a nutshell, it might be easier :-p


but it seems that you needed to get stuff off your chest, and decent people will support you.


why pay the visit when the visit is free?



"this shitty guitar wont play what i want! it only knows three chords!"
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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:27 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

<font color=lime>KillerQueen840 wrote:

Also, the last thing he knew when he died was that the Red Sox just scored a home run. He was in a beautiful location, got to see some real spring weather, and his favorite team was up. I don't think he could've asked for anything better when he passed. Later the next day we checked, and the Red Sox won that game.



What you went through was sheer horror and it makes sense that you would be feeling so confused and on edge now. You're grieving and it takes a long time for the surge of emotions to ebb. You have to allow yourself that time.

That your whole family was there with him is a good thing. He was surrounded by love. There's nothing more a person can ask for when it's time. Though, he received a bonus, didn't he? I mean with the Red Sox and all. :-)

I'm so very sorry for your loss. That you've released at least some of your grief in writing is a good thing - and not something you need to apologize for. I've a feeling if you do share this with your family, you'll find you're not at all alone with your feelings. <<<hugs>>>




"The others don't like my interviews. And frankly, I don't care much for theirs." ~ Freddie Mercury



KillerQueen840 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:36 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Thank you. I appreciate it. A lot.
My cousin Brie read this...she told me she was happy I wrote it. My brother read it, and felt the same. I really do appreciate all of your kind words.


"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy."

(Jim Rohn)
its_a_hard_life 26994 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:51 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Hey Jessica,

First of all, no need to be sorry, it's okay to speak out when you feel like it! It's certainly not selfish nor being an attention seeker. So don't beat yourself up about it! :)

I hope in time you can feel better and happier, I know you will!

I'm so sorry for your lose. My prayers are with you, your friends and family. Especially your grandad. :)



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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 18:56 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I agree with the above posts, a very traumatic event, and writing these things down can really help.

If you ever feel like it's all getting on top of you, you can always come here and talk about it. Better than suffering in silence.

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 19:02 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

my sympathies are with you.its obvious that you are having a tough time coming to terms with the situation.be strong,stress and grief at the same time over death can be a double whammy and its worse when its delayed [been there,done that,far too often for my age].just take heart that you are not the first this has happened to and you wont be the last[i did the same thing as you to the vicar at my mothers funeral.i think priests do it on purpose sometimes] and that you have friends and family for a shoulder to cry on.
as i say 'be strong' we are here for you.x.
jox


isnt innuendo an italian suppository?

im gonna ride the wild wind!

its_a_hard_life wrote:you nutcase you rule!

joxer replies: but in a nice way :-]

Carol! the Musical user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 19:05 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I read the whole thing, and I felt overwhelmed and trapped. It was almost claustrophobic- ish, and that was a reaction I got from only READING it! On the other hand, you had to deal with it and experience every single second of it... sometimes it seems like it's all in slow- motion, too. You are being incredibly brave handling a load like this. You may not think you're bearing it, but that's how coping is. It sounds selfish saying this from where I'm standing, but please try to hang in there. I'm praying for you and your family ( as I'm sure everyone else who happens to read this is doing ).

And this is rather irrelevent to what I just said, but as I was reading your posts, I was listening to Black Bird. The song just seemed to click with what I took in. I know what you're going through is crazy, and there's a lot of hectic thoughts going through your head, but sometimes a quiet song can help to get some emotions out. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkejcsvdpuQ&mode=related&search=


-Things Have Changed For Me-
KillerQueen840 user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 19:28 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Thanks again, everyone. This is probably more support than I've recieved from my friends so far. You are all very kind, and I am touched. I mean it.



I appreciate your thoughtfulness digging that link up...I can't do quiet songs just now, though. My mum had Queen's Only The Good Die Young blaring on the upstairs speakers. I had to run up to shut it off and throw on some Alice Cooper..."The World Needs Guts."


"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy."

(Jim Rohn)
Nathan user not visiting Queenzone.com

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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 19:45 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

Listening to some of your favourite music to take your mind off things is a very good thing to do Jess.

Don't forget, we are always here for you.

Raf user not visiting Queenzone.com
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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 19:56 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I'm really sorry for you, Jessica. I don't think I can actually say anything that hasn't been said yet, but if you need anything and you feel I can be useful, you know my e-mail addy, you know when I'm normally on AIM, and specially, you know you can count on me whenever you need. :)

*EDIT* Ah, and like other people have already said... No reason to be sorry. :) You've always contributed in a positive way to the boards, time for them to contribute to you in some way.


We got the Cosmos rockin'!

We got the Cosmos rockin'!

We got the Universe rockin'!

We got the Cosmos rockin'!

We got the Cosmos rockin' to the mighty power of rock'n'roll!
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Posted: 20 Apr 07, 23:53 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

I'm very sorry for your loss. Believe me, time will make things less painful. I witnessed my father die two years ago. The replays in your head WILL subside, and things WILL get easier. Hang in there, Jessica.

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Posted: 21 Apr 07, 01:12 Edit this post Reply to this post Reply with Quote

sorry for your loss. it's okay to post it here. you know you have a support group within this wacky forum. anyway, i know that if my grandma/grandpa died, i'd react somewhat like that.

once again, i give my condolences.